Captured

chapter 3 The Real Laney ..

I have this thing about romance novels. I love them, just like imaging it all makes me have this what little faith in love... In my my opinion, love is for everyone even if you don't feel like love is just not for you. Your match is on earth. Love works in mysterious ways, all this is just my opinion though.

I know in reality it's almost rare to find love, everyone is hurting everyone. Everyone's trust is totally fucked up. It kills me to know not everyone will find true happiness, like me .. SHIT ! I dropped my phone once again!! I swear my heart almost drops every time I drop my phone I get afraid of it breaking into two pieces.

It sounds silly to adults but teenagers understand me. Ughhh I have therapy today .. I dread going every time. I know I need it. I know it's to help me cope the right way with my problems, but I hate discussing my feelings with anyone.

I'm sick of hearing the more you go, the more you progress. "How does that make you feel ? It's going to be okay". And finally the 'start from the beginning' quote.

So here goes .. The thing about my depression is that, I hate the fact some times I want to die. Or I want to cut. That I want to disappear. I feel like no one gets me or my depression.

They won't ever know what Laney goes through. It all started in 6th grade, for some reason I just felt like I didn't belong here. I didn't belong on earth. so my resort was cutting. I slit my wrists and legs.

Each cut to me, took away my pain. As time went on it got worse. The middle of 7th grade year it got worser I was already, smoking, drinking and cutting. Then this one morning as I was sitting in class talking to my friends, Kayla and Kailey.

Kayla said "Hey did you hear about that kid getting shot in the head last night? his name was... Colby ..Colby..." "Colby Logan ?" I said I don't know for some reason I had this weird feeling. "Yeah! that's him" she shouted. My heart dropped into a million pieces, he was my best friend.

We went to elementary together. I cried for a whole week. Then two weeks later I decided to walk with my friend cause she forgot her backpack at home. So before school started she wanted me to walk back home with her to get it . As we walk in her house I looked around it looked pretty decent I guess you could say.

She said wait here while I find it. 5mins later I heard her arguing on the cellphone with her boyfriend. I knew this was going to last forever, so I just sat down watching cartoons. Her older brother Nat walked in and said "Laney, hey!" "Hi Nat" I said, he always creeped me out.

I was 11 or 12, he was 17. He would always stare a me. TOTAL weirdo, but I walked to the bathroom. I felt myself fly in there something grabbed my pants, and pull them down. I turned around and it was Nat.

I tried to fight him off but he put his hand around my mouth so hard, and said "if you yell or fight I will fucking kill you Laney". My eyes widened and filled up with tears. I couldn't believe this was happening to me...... .... ... 3weeks after the death of my best friend. I felt this couldn't get any worse.

I wanted to die. I felt like a whore. I felt disgusting, he finally let me go, threw me to the cold white tile floor, and grinned at me. I got up , and ran out the door. "Laney ! Laney! hold up!"

I heard gema yell. I came to a complete stop and just felt the tears flowing down my face. She pulled me to her, and said "what happend?" in a concerned voice. I told her what happend and she cried with me.

I made her promise not tell anyone. I couldn't bare the look or feeling of my family. Me and her remained close after that she's always been there for me. I say she's more like a sister to me. she told her brother she knew what he did.

He moved in with his aunt after that cause gema threatend him with cops.

-Fast forward 1month later-

It's 5:45am and I'm getting my clothes ready for school. I go to the bathroom to take a shower. As I'm taking a shower I see the door crack open, and I act like I get out and act like I'm going to open the door then it slams closed. I open the door and see only one person in direct view of the bathroom. My stepfather, he tried to pretend he was asleep but I know the truth.

I was disgusted. I went to school, and began to pop pills my friend had. I was an offical 12yr old junkie. I drank, smoked, popped pills, and cut myself more . I was happy when I was high or with my friends, but when I got home it was like my world went black.

I was so depressed, my suicidal thoughts increased a great deal. I tried to hang myself twice. Once with a belt. The other with a shoe lace, but both times someone walked in. It was horrible.

My mom asked my why I was acting so depressed. When I told her my stepfather watched me. she replied "You don't have proof" Inside I felt my chest caving in, but I just walked away speechless. I had no words at all to say.

Later on she told us she was pregnant. I didn't know how to feel at that point. How are you suppose to feel ? My life kept getting worse..My brother killed himself, and my depression worsened.

I tried to kill myself 5more times. Failed attempts. The last time I tried to take a bunch of pills, and it almost worked until my sister walked in. And told my mom. I got rushed to the hospital, and got my stomach pumped. Then got admitted to the mental institution and had to be on suicide watch for 2months.

It was excruciating ! I hated it there, it was just like prison. Now that I've been out for 6months, I have to go to therapy. To be completely honest... I do not think therapists care honestly.

It's they're job to care, they get PAID to care. They don't genuinely care. My depression is a struggle .. Even though I have Gary in my life. I can never fully cope with my depression ..