Winter Toes

Depression

This is gonna be a hard chapter to write.

Seasonal depression, or seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.) is a disorder characterized by the changing of the seasons. When the year starts to end, going towards the fall, we begin to lose sunlight and a large percentage of people, such as myself, begin to feel down and extremely low.

Personally, I've had a pretty fucked up year. From losing lots of friends, losing a relationship with my mother, and a number of other things, my SAD is kicking my ass already.

I've been pretty silent on how I feel, based off the fact that I know plenty of people that are/have gone through much more terrible things than I have. But that doesn't make my feelings or my depression any less important.

I realized today, at 18 years old that it's okay for life to not work as you planned. I did my best to get into college, and the money just wasn't there. I felt like a disappointment.

I moved out of my mothers house, and bounced around throughout the summer, because I knew that she wouldn't own up to her fuck ups. I felt hopeless.

I lost a really good friend, because of some immature bullshit, and at times like this I really need him. Because he knew how I felt and how to deal with the symptoms better than me. I feel empty.

I've personally decided to not depend on anyone else to help me through this, because in previous chapters, lots of people have turned blind eye and simply ignored how I felt.

I feel sluggish. I feel exhausted. I feel like I want to cry 24/7 and then again, I don't.

I'm actually in a really good space right now. I get to go to bed happy, which was extremely rare a couple years ago. I have someone in my life who loves me and I love him, and I'm doing my best to not over think things so I don't ruin it. Because I really need some structure. I really need that to work.

But it's always that nagging feeling.

Am I doing enough?
Or am I doing too much?
Is all that I have to offer enough?