S H AW N ME N D E S

LI KE TO B E YOU

November 15th, 2017
{Shawn's POV}
11:10

It was super late, Lydia and I just got back from L.A.

Lydia was in the kitchen making Penne with marinara sauce and garlic bread. I sat on our tan  couch catching up on "Grey's anatomy".

"Shawn..." Lydia said quietly. I turned around to see her. She was wearing light purple knit sweatpants and a grey long sleeve. She had her hair up in a Ponytail. She had her tortoise shell glasses on looking at her feet. She never call me shawn, what happened to love.

"Yes babygirl?" I said smiling lightly to her.
"We ne-e-ed to talk?" She said kind of as a question!

I patted the couch motioning her to come over.

I nodded at her telling her to start talking.

"Shawn, something is bothering me, something involving you." She said looking at her lap. She has always been good at telling me her feelings. But lately it feels as though she is distant.

We are inches away from each other yet feels like we are miles away.

"Tell me hun, if im hurting you I need to know!" I said grabbing her hands.

She didn't answer.
She just looked away.

"Babygirl?"
I said cocking my head. We sat like this for 10 minuets just me begging her to answer and she was always able to put what she feels into words. But today it is Like what ever she was going to say would hurt me.

{2 minuets later}

"Love, our food is going to get cold?"

She looked up at me with a stern face, like I pissed her off or something.

"WELL SHAWN IF YOU WOULDN'T GO AROUND, SWITCHING BETWEEN TWO DIFFERENT GIRLS. MAKING ONE OF THEM BELIEVE THAT YOU LOVE HER. YET THE NEXT WEEK YOU HANGING OUT WITH THE OTHER ONE!" She screamed. Her face was red and you saw her eye fill up like a tub. I never seen her snap that fast.

I was stunned at her tone. I was confused and questioning everything.

"YOU GO FROM HER AND ACT LIKE YOUR IN LOVE, TO THE NEXT MOMENT BEING WITH ME" she yelled. You could see just pure pain in her eyes. I never seen her so hurt.

I was speechless.

"Choose, choose now." She whispered something and I couldn't fully get what she said.
"Hmm?"
" I need you to choose SHAWN."

"Love I choose.." i didn't know.
Was I going to choose her or Hailey?

They both mean a lot to me.

"I get it Shawn." she paused, I could see the agression and sadness in her eyes/

"I LOVE YOU. IM HAVING TROUBLE PERSONAL STUFF AND WITH MY JOB AND I-IM IN LOVE WITH YOU LYDIA."

"NO SHAWN YOU CANT BE. IF YOU SIT HERE AND GO BACK AND FORTH YET TELL ME YOUR IN LOVE WITH ME. IF YOU LOVED ME SHAWN, YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME!" my heart broke in two. Hearing those words leave her mouth made me feel sick. I was sick of myself.

"I do love you. BUT ME GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH HER AND YOU SHOULDN'T EFFECT YOU THAT MUCH. WE BROKE UP."

"SHAWN, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" she announced

"THEN HELP.... me understand." I said breathlessly.

She rolled her eyes. "YEA I KNOW BUT, YOU TRIED TO GET BACK WITH ME. YOU SAID YOU NEED ME. I LOVE YOU SHAWN. I CANT JUST LET YOU GO LIKE THAT!" she said pointing her finger at me and to my chest.

"YOU lET ME DOWN AGAIN!" she yelled pushing my chest, soflty...

"Please calm down, can we talk this over?" I reccomended placing my hand over hers removing it from my chest.

we sat in just silence for a while.

Tears filled up her eyes.
"Don't cry...."

"or do..." I said quietly. Tears rushed down her small cheeks making me feel like complete shit.

"I don't know what it's like to be you shawn, but I know how I feel. I wish I could put myself in your shoes so I can understand why you would do this." She quickly let that slip of her tongue Like poison.

" Im just tired..." she said slowly leaning her body against me.

"I'm tired too,"

"do you have anything to else to say to back up you shitting decisions?" she questioned in a scarcastic tone.

"No, we both have nothing to say Ly, truce?"

the way her face lit up in way when I called her "Ly" made my turn red, like a child.

She sat up and gave me that look. Her face was full of disgust yet she was also full of forgiveness.

"come on , we promised, even after we broke up to never go to bed angry at each other?"

"that we did" she said with a small chuckle she said wiping her cheek.

we stared at each other for like ten minutes or so. I looked at her, she was beautiful and kind and I could never stay/be mad at her. she leaned in, rising on her knees as the couch sunk in.

"Can I kiss you or not?" she whispered with a grim while grabbing her face. "right now Shawn, i'm not sure what you want. But I want to cheer you up."

she had a guilty look on, she knew how she made me feel but not what it was like to feel that way.

" im sorry, I don't know what it's like to be you, same the other way around. but Im dying to know. Im open for all you have to say and you know that!" I plead to her. I wanted her to feel comfortable, which I guess pressuring her didn't help.

"No matter what you say, about me, this realsionship, her... I wont love you any less my love."

"you are lying." she pouted turning her head away.

"Love, I would be lying if I said I am"
I said giving her a warm smile.

"You know, I'm just scared. Every time we argue, we get to caught up in what each other are saying and our own aggression. I feel like I could loose yo and that is my fear."

I knew she still had feeling for me, I did to. Honestly, I don't think I lost them. I love her.

I moved my hands in a come here movement I pulled her head to my chest and wrapped my hands around her small waist.

"Should we go to the movies, I know it always cheers you uppppp!!" She sang poking my stomach softly. I rolled my head back and smiled very widely
"Gladly"