Hopeless Fangirl ๑๑ Lee Felix

4

박하루

"Well if you ask me you shouldn't even be making a mistake. Why did they hire a mistake like you anyways?" I froze up, my heart stopped, my arms were heavy, the memories of the night of all my terror came in and I had lost all control over my body.

Why did I have to make a mistake like you?

"I- I have to go," I managed to form what little words I had left. "Haru are you okay? You look sick," I heard a voice although I couldn't identify it I faked a cough and left the room. I used what strength I had left and run somewhere away from him. Why am I so pathetic? All those years trying to build me up again was gone in one sentence. I truly am hopeless. I stopped and leaned against a wall and slowly fell to the ground and hugged my knees.

"Haru tells me what happened cause I know for a fact that you are not sick," I looked up and saw Jisoo there. "I'm fine Jisoo" I tried to convince her that I was okay but she saw though me and saw that broken 14-year-old from years ago, "here let's get a room and you can tell me everything." I nodded and followed her into an empty room and she locked the door. "Haru tell me what is happening are you really okay?" I shook my head and all I've bottled up for the past 4 years have collapsed right in front of her.

I told her what happened back then in a good amount of detail, "and when he said I said I was a disappointment just like my father said so I kinda had a problem and shut down," I finally let out while I looked up to see an angry Jisoo, "I know he's such a jerk but he took it too far, Haru I want you to go home and take a breather," I nodded and gave her a hug. She showed me genuine kindness that I needed in my life.

I told the manager that I had a family problem and I dashed home. I was out of breath but I kept going. It hurt to breathe at this point. Who cares right? Pain is just a feeling and feelings don't exist, even if they did no one would care. I opened the front door to find no one home.

I poured myself a glass of water to get the taste of blood out of my mouth. "How pathetic can you get Haru?" I chuckled out. It was funny at this point, just a hopeless person who was too sensitive to even defend herself. I dragged my feet towards the bathroom slowly reaching out for the doorknob. Is this what this has to come to?

Trigger warning ⚠️

Why did this have to happen to me? I just wanted everything to be alright if I can't take out the pain from the inside 8 should just take it out of me from the outside. I opened the bathroom door to see my reflection. My eyes were red, my lips were chapped and I looked, someone, I couldn't identify anymore.

I brushed my hair with my fingers and I grabbed the roots of my hair and I screamed while hot tears started to make their way down to my lips. I finally wasn't afraid to use the razor blade, I opened a drawer containing a spare razor blade and I took a breath and I slowly dragged it along my skin to make a horizontal cut on my forearm. I burned but it took away some of the pain from inside so I repeated the process until I got light headed.

I didn't want Haneul to see the monster that I am so I cleaned it upend thought of ways to clean up the blood and to make them in obvious.

Trigger warning over

I sighed. It sucks to have to live like this. I put on another long sleeve after I bandaged my arm so it wouldn't bleed though the shirt. Ugh this is so dumb, he unintentionally said something your father said from a long time ago, you're acting like a victim again your such a horrible person Haru. No wonder the one person you've been idolizing for almost a year hates you.

Why did I love him if he's this much of a jerk. He has no regards for anyone but himself and is fake for fans. I walked downstairs and grabbed my bag again to walk out the door. It was so bright outside and it looked dumb to wear a long sleeve shirt outside, how much worse can this day get?

I jogged lightly back to the JYP building, just to be greeted by the secretary saying that all the boys are out of the building and will be coming back in ten minutes or less. I decided to dance in a practice room, alone.

I wasn't much of a dancer anymore, I dropped out cause it got too expensive for my auntie but I still dance every once in a while. I still love to dance but I have no where to dance so I just do it underground every week. I found a little practice room that looked I'm bothered in months so I grabbed my phone and played some music.

Me recognizing the music almost instantly let my body take over and move by itself. As cliche as it sounds someone clapped when I was done, "You're a great dancer Haru!" I knew that voice, it was I.N, "What are you doing here?" I asked him and he gave me a chuckle for a response and replied, "We were looking for you and I just didn't want to be with my Noona so I went on a different route as her and I found you here," I felt a bit tense but I felt safe around him, his smile made me melt.

"Let's go Haru!" He grabbed my hand and dashed out of the room. I barely kept up with him. How was he this fit he's literally like a child how is he doing this?! "I FOUND HER!" I got broken from my trance to see myself facing a room full of mixed emotions, it was all silent before Seoyeo broke it by saying, "Haru here's Mina the noona I was talking about earlier."

Wait Mina?

Like the girl who beat me up for being quiet in high school?

"Haru I missed you! I hope we'll have a great time just like him high school!" I sighed, first Felix ruined my first day at work and now Mina is here.

Can my day get any worse?