Oh, Calamity (Jalex)

I Just Don't Know What To Do With it Now

I’m at the ATL tour bus by ten past nine this morning, almost on time as we had to get here at nine so we can pack the bus and make sure everything’s ready for us to leave by ten. We’re driving from here in Baltimore to Tulsa in Oklahoma to meet Pierce the Veil and do our first show, so we’re leaving a day before the show since it’s around an eighteen hour trip. If we have people switching shifts so we can keep driving all night then we should arrive by about half past four tomorrow, which gives us time to get ourselves organised, catch up with the PTV dudes, go through sound check, etc.

Everyone’s here so far except for Jack, who no one has seen nor heard from. I’m a bit worried, but I just push the worried feeling down and start helping everyone get their suitcases, instruments and other assorted equipment in the car.

Jack arrives just before nine thirty. He looks… fine. I can’t shake the feeling of offense I get when I realise that. It’s just that I’ve been struggling and feeling near suicidal while he’s fucking happy and living his life just fine with his girlfriend instead of me. I can’t help but blame everything on him a little bit too; I would have felt so much better if he had at least picked up his phone once.

He doesn’t come up to me at first, he goes over to the rest of the band and crew instead to greet them. When he’s done and his shit is loaded into the bus, I go over to him and tap him on the shoulder.

“Uh, hey. Um, can I talk to you for a quick sec?” He shrugs without meeting my eyes, but he follows me anyways to an area a few metres away where the other guys can’t hear us. Up close he does look a little different, in a weird way. It’s kind of like a light has gone from his eyes.

“Look, man,” I begin. “I’m really sorry about what I said. I didn’t actually mean it, I was kinda drunk and it was just a misunderstanding. I swear I don’t really like you in that way.”

Jack gave me a bit of a funny look. It almost seemed sad. “Are you sure?” I nod.

“So, um, are we cool?” I ask nervously. My hands have been shaking this whole conversation and my heart is beating so loudly I’m afraid Jack might hear it.

“Yeah, man. We’re cool.” He grins at me and relief washes over me like a tidal wave. He throws an arm casually over my shoulder and we saunter together back over to the bus. Rian sees us and he grins, while Zack gives me a subtle thumbs up.

“So, uh, what’ve you been up to?” I ask, trying to sound as normal as possible. I do want to know a bit more about this girlfriend of his and it did hit me hard how he just left, obviously. I missed him.

He hesitates. “Not much. I went on a bit of a road trip, just around Maryland and the surrounding states. What about you?”

“Uh, nothing really. I spent a bit of time with my parents and just kinda chilled out. So, did you go with your girlfriend on this road trip?”

“Nah.”

“Am I gonna get to meet her any time soon?”

“Um, maybe.”

“Okay, cool.”

We just kind of stood around in a bit of an awkward silence after that. I don’t want to push topics to do with the time he was away, but I desperately want things to get back to normal between us. We end up making some more awkward small talk and avoiding these past two weeks or however long it was altogether. But after a while we’re back to the way we normally are, laughing loudly and goofing around like we always do.

Eventually it’s time to get on the bus and start driving. I immediately stretch myself out on the front lounge and turn the TV on. I’ve got eighteen hours of chilling out to do.

JACK’S P.O.V.

Life has been a nightmare for me since the day I walked out on Alex. I just freaked out and didn’t know what the fuck to say. I can’t believe I’ve never put the pieces together before then, but I didn’t realise until after I lied to him about having a girlfriend and slammed the door shut that I liked him too.

I lied and left because I was scared of his feelings and I didn’t think I wanted them, and after I realised how much I did I ached to go back in there and kiss him, but I knew that I’d fucked things up too much and he’d just be angry. So I just got in my car and drove and ignored his calls, just to try and give myself some time to figure out my feelings and what the fuck I should do. I listened to all his voicemails and at times did try calling him, but chickened out and hung up before the phone could start ringing properly. Would he still want me after the way I acted? Would he even believe me? I regret not calling him now, though. I never considered how shitty and unwanted I must have made him feel after not answering him for so long. I’m supposed to be his best friend, for fuck’s sake.

But after I realised how I felt, everything just fell into place and made sense. I’ve always slept around with girls because I like the sex and stuff, but I’ve never been in love with one and I’ve never been able to have a serious girlfriend. But I never considered trying guys. I mean, I’ve always joked about having relationships with guys, especially Alex, but I never seriously considered it. I don’t understand it. I mean, I’m fucking 26 years old and I haven’t realised this by now?! I’m such a fucking idiot.

But it just makes sense now. I couldn’t see myself spending more than a night with a girl, but I can see myself spending the rest of my life with Alex. Today when he told me that he didn’t love me anymore, I felt like I was going to throw up. After realising I liked him I realised what it actually meant to want to be with someone and what it was to have your heart broken. I should have turned around and gone back into his apartment, I should have answered his calls, I should have come home to see him. And now it’s too late, I hurt him and he’s moved on. He doesn’t fucking deserve someone as shitty as me, anyways.

I’m so confused, but all I really know is that I’m in love with Alexander William Gaskarth and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Title cred: “Stay” – Mayday Parade