Just A Feeling
'I watched you cry, bathe in sunlight by the bathroom door
You said you wish you did not love me anymore
You left your flowers in the backseat of my car
The things we said and did have left permanent scars'
"Hey. You called?"
I was startled when I felt my most trusted person's hand on my shoulder. I looked up and saw him looking down at me, eyes filled with concern.
"Hi, kuya." I greeted him and went back to drinking my glass of whiskey.
He sat beside me and ordered a drink.
"On the rocks." he said and faced me. "What happened?"
I shrugged and drank again. Honestly, I really don't know what happened. To myself, to her, to us.
"Okay. So you called me but you don't know what really happened? Are you even my brother?" he kid and drank from his glass.
"Ts. Frank..."
"And we're on a first name basis again. Okay, Elmo. Shoot. Anong problema?" he asked.
"Ako. Ako ang problema." I replied.
He just stared at me as if that wasn't a big deal. As if it's too obvious that I am the problem.
"I know." he replied shortly. "What did you do this time?"
I took a sip from my cup again and heaved a deep sigh. How am I going to start? I mean where do I start?
"Ganito kasi yun, I was at her place earlier. I know that I'm not welcome anymore pero I just wanted to see her. I wanted to clear things up with her."
He was silently sipping from his glass as he listened to me. He just kept nodding as I re-tell the story.
"I went there and alam mo yun? Gusto ko siyang yakapin. I wanted to hug her, to kiss her pero alam ko namang di na pwede. Wala na kong karapatan..."
'Obsessed, depressed at the same time
I can't even walk in a straight line
I've been lying in the dark no sunshine
No sunshine, no sunshine'
"I told her that I wanted her back... Gusto kong maging kami ulit. Frank you know how jealous I am because of the guys surrounding her now. Because of the guys giving her the attention she never got from me. Giving her love, that I wasn't able to give her."
Tears started brimming from my eyes and I know that it will be hard to keep it there. Si Frank na ang kausap ko. He's the only person in my family who understands me fully. Why? Because we're in the same situation. The only difference is that he fought for his girl while I opted to follow my sisters.
"Selos na selos ako dahil hinahayaan na niyang may ibang lalaking magpatawa sa kanya. Hinahayaan niyang mapasaya ng iba. Na okay na sa kanya na wala ako sa buhay niya. Ang sakit that I can only love her from afar now. It hurts everytime I think of those times when she was still mine, that I never really loved her the way she loved me. That I took her for granted and now that she's finding her way out of that maze, ako naman yung stuck sa gitna and I can't seem to move on just yet. I don't want to move on. I don't want to let her go because I love her. I love her so much that seeing her happy with someone else hurts bigtime."
'She cries, "This is more than goodbye
When I look into your eyes
You're not even there"'
"Sabi niya kanina, wala na kong karapatang magselos dahil wala na kami. That there was never really an us. She even asked me who I was and the moment she did, I asked myself too. Sino nga ba ako? I don't know myself anymore Frank. In this short time na nawala siya sa akin, na hinayaan ko siyang mawala sa akin, hindi ko na rin makilala ang sarili ko. As if the old Elmo whom everyone loved was with her. Sino na nga ba ako, Frank? Why did I became like this?"
