Small Stories

Jump

"Wait... are you just gonna jump?"

"That was the whole plan." I was stern about my answer, too. I knew I couldn't keep holding the feelings down any longer, even if it was for someone I loved.

Usually I'm a big crybaby when I try to kill myself. Crying was the one way that I could release everything inside of me with no one around. Where no one could belittle me, no one could laugh, no one could scream... where no one could ever feel obligated to care for me. But somehow, right now I felt numb. Here I am, standing on the rooftop of the highest building in my town, my best friend standing 5 feet away with his face full of anxiety and tension. Maybe dropping myself wasn't such a brilliant idea... I had thought of crashing the car, but the idea of my family losing a useful car because of me made me feel worse. Overdosing was my next option, but I'm sure I would just vomit them out. I hate vomiting. Death by hanging became enticing, but I didn't want to end it in an unknown painful way. Would I choke to death? Would it snap my neck easily? I wasn't sure. But now I am. Maybe the fall will hurt me more than the impact, but it'll be quick. Easy. Except now, he's making it a hell of a lot harder to do it. "And what about everyone you're leaving behind? Do you know how much they're gonna miss you?" He yelled, his voice was trembling. He was having trouble keeping himself together, something I never thought I would see.

"Yes. Of course I do. I think about it all the time. Why do you think I'm still here?" I take another step towards the edge. No, he's not gonna stop me.

In turn he takes a step towards me. "Okay, now tell me. Why are you gonna jump now? If you know that people are gonna miss you then why are you gonna jump at all?"

Because I've wanted to for a very long time. A very long time I wanted to end my life, until you came along. "It'll be easier this way. I won't waste anyone's time anymore."

"Who's time? We never thought you were a waste of time. You're not a waste of anything. Don't think that that's a reason to jump because you know it isn't a reason."

Damn. Fucker's good. "If I do jump, everything disappears. There's no pain, no stress, no anxiety. No more suffering."

"Sure, it ends for you, but all that pain and stress and anxiety and suffering, you pass it onto your family and friends. They're gonna suffer thinking they could have saved you. They're gonna feel pained and sad that you're now gone, forever. You get to leave and be happy or be free, but that means you leave everyone behind."

I understood where he was coming from, I knew everything he was saying. Of course I knew. But thinking about everyone made my head hurt. I knew they wouldn't miss me for long. I knew they would eventually move on their own, have lives to live. They wouldn't have time to think of or remember me. All the yelling and screaming and push back, it was all to tell me to go. So I'm ready. I'm so ready to just get it over with. If I could just take the last step off... If I could just forget about the man in front of me for one second...

"Don't do it. Please, just come down here. I don't wanna lose you, I care for you too much. Please... Don't do it."

That's just it. I know I can't do it. Not to him. I couldn't stand the thought of him crying when I'm gone. How could I jump right in front of him, when he's clearly begging me to come back? Doubt begins to cloud my eyes, and for once I see the world around me as it was meant to be seen: bright, and alive. At this point I got dizzy, and my legs had wobbled just barely, but enough for him to get nervous and reach out a hand. "N-No! Please! Please. Just... get down. Let me take you home."

I could see it in his eyes. He saw them. My demons, swirling around as their long transparent goopy fingers were blurring my vision, clamped against my skull like a melting blindfold. He saw them all, how they laughed and cried, how they were pulling me further away from him. I stumbled again, the full situation being processed in my mind. I was gonna fall. It's a long drop, and I'm gonna die. "...I'm sorry." My eyes began to tear up. I shouldn't be doing this. Why was I doing it? Why was I gonna end it? I don't even remember why I came up in the first place. Holding myself tightly as if I was going to fall apart, I took one step off...

And let myself down into his trembling arms.