Melancoly

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"What do you do, when you have no one to go to. What happens when you've hit an end, and it seems as if there's no other way to keep going. Do you walk back?

When you wake up, you feel immediately sad and upset because you're back in the world. You rather much be asleep, in another place.

When you sleep; or whenever you do, you get to be free for just a moment. That's why you sleep. You need sleep. Sleep is easy

When you have no one to go to, you write to yourself like me. The parent that can help you thinks you exaggerate and you're only 17. They tell you that you're over reacting. They tell you to be happy and to be grateful and be strong and strong and patient and all these hard things. They say quit fussing and exploding over the small things. They want you to shut up and deal with yourself.

If you have friends, which you don't. You have a friend. If you have a friend, telling her things is useless because all she can do is hear and think you're a troublesome girl and that you're always sad. Tells you that it makes her sad to see you sad because it's rare and you're "always strong" which is lies. But she didn't lie. It's you that pretended to be strong.

I'm always sad but sometimes it can seep through my mask and lets some know I aren't okay. When people see me cry, they see through it. If people see me cry, they stare.

When I see myself cry I stare back too. Grossed out at what I see. I don't like seeing a wrecked girl. I want to see something next to perfect and a girl who has it all and a girl who is supposed to be happy. Having it all never meant materials. Having it all meant having happiness.

So all I have is notes. All I have is this fucking app. All I have is to type it down because writing it down could allow someone to find it, and read it.

So all I have is notes. No one else could listen like the way notes do. Only notes isn't anyone. I guess I just write because I think it'll make it better. It doesn't.

But people don't ever listen to you. Why would you want to tell anyone anything if they cannot hear you? I never thought of suicide. But today I did. The thought seems peaceful. And this scares me."