When I used to get stressed, which was quite a lot, I cleared my mind. I shut my eyes and thought of nothing at all, and it was the most peaceful I have ever been. Everyday I would look forward to those moments where I could shed the skin of who I was and feel nothing. Every single second I was an ocean with waves rising ten stories high and crashing down violently,
but not when I became clear. When I was clear my waters were calm.
It was an escape from my perfect, polished parents. My 'mother' was infertile, so I was adopted. Even though I had no relation to the heart broken couple who could never pass their genes on, I was their pride and joy. Perfect was the only compliment that would ever pass their lips genuinely. Anything less than received a minor scolding. It wasn't until my parents began fighting when I reached my breaking point. My father's branch got completely shut down because of reasons they would never tell me, and so my unemployed dad spent his time and (what was left of) his money drinking as much alcohol as he could before completely blurring his sense of morality.
A few months in to his downfall, he decided to drag me and my mother with him. About twice a week, the moment my mother stepped into the house, she was at the fault for whatever negative thing happened to him that day. His knuckles split revealing trickles of bright red blood, but that was the extent of what injuries I saw. She covered every bruise and cut with bandages and long sleeves, never revealing the purple and blue splotches scattered all over her skin.
I still haven't seen my mother's shoulders since.
Then more than ever I needed to be clear. The sleep-to-clear ratio was always about 50/50, because sleep only brought nightmares. The beatings got worse and worse as my parents completely shut me out of their lives, only interacting when absolutely necessary (such as cooking, cleaning, doctors appointments, etc.)
I did have acquaintances at school, but never any friends I could confide in. Not one person knew of my situation; I was sure not one wanted to know.
Being clear used to be my only escape. I would give anything for it to still be.
