X - Y - Z

NINE - EXLEY

"Fifteen more sit-ups. Come on. Y'all can do it!" I encourage the class of 4-8 year olds. My gym offers childcare while parents are working out. Exercise is important even at a young age, so we do easy workouts with them while they're here.

They aren't required to participate, and it's nothing too strenuous. Just enough to get their blood pumping while they wait for mom or dad, and they think it's super fun. At least most of them do. There are couple whose parents drop them off with tablets, and that's what they want to do most of the class. I'm proud to say a few with tablets have started joining as well when we make it a bit of a competition.

Friendly competition is healthy at any age, and it's not like we would tolerate any sort of bullying so it's really great for them.  We also play games, a lot of which involve teams. We really try to teach the older kids to help and encourage the younger kids as well. "Great job, everyone," I cheer as the last 4 year old finishes the 15 count. "Joey, do you remember the series of stretches we did last time you were here?" Joey comes in with his older brother about 3 times per week. Sometimes he hangs with this brother while he's working out, but other times he decides to come down here. He's really good with the kids, so I let him lead whenever I can. "Yeah, Exley, I remember!" he says with a big smile on his face. He starts taking the younger kids through a simple cool off stretching series while I observe from the back of the room.

I'm not always available to spend time with the kids each day, but I try to whenever I can. I really love kids. I hope to have several of my own some day. Z and I always agreed that a couple of kids would be better than being only children like we were. I wonder if she still feels the same way? I hope so... Not that it matters.

She's so oblivious to my feelings, I clearly don't stand a chance. Do I even want a chance, though? Who knows. Sure as hell not me. My head feels so mixed up right now. I can't believe I told her I might be catching feelings last night. When I realized this morning that she didn't remember, the mixture of disappointment and relief I felt were almost dizzying.

The problem is I'm not honestly not sure what I feel or what I want. I mean, firstly, I'm just so happy to her back in my life. I didn't even realize how bad I missed her until she showed up. It's like I had blocked her out or something. Truth be told, I blocked out a lot of things..a lot of people.

All of that has changed now that she's back. I feel like I want to connect with people finally. Make actual friends instead of people I just see occasionally. I know reconnecting with Hazel is the reason for that. Which is part of the confusion. Am I really liking her romantically or am I mixing that up with being grateful for her bringing me out self-inflicted solitude? Or just so happy to see her that I'm making more of than it is?

It doesn't help that she's ridiculously gorgeous. She was always a pretty girl, of course, but I never looked at her this way previously. Everything about her is exactly my type. The perfect amount of toned mixed with softness. Perfect curves in the perfect places. I mean, time has done her body sooo gooooood. And then I want to punch myself for thinking something skeevy like that about Z. Is my newfound attraction, that confusing all on it's own, clouding my judgement of my feelings, though?

And there's Harvey. I mean, seriously, fuck my life. I have had a single romantic interest since coming to college. Of course, I've had attractions which turned into the hookups. No one that I had any true desire to get close with though. I'm already close to Z, but the attractions making that confusing. I was attracted the Harvey the first time I laid eyes on him. He didn't strike me as the hookup type, thought, so I kept my distance. Now, I'm not keeping my distance, obviously. And the weird thing is, I really want to know more about him...spend more time with him. Again, confusing. Ugh!