Crash Into You

God and Hummingbirds

It's been a week since I had seen my father. It's been a week since I have had any suicidal thoughts. It's been a week since Harry had visited the hospital. It's been a week and every day Mason has been by my side. Mom hasn't been to my room all but two brief times. I think it's cause Mason is always here. I personally wouldn't have it any other way. It's sprinkling outside of the cozy dark room, creating glistening patterns of water droplets on my window.

Mason is asleep, still grasping onto my purple hand. I am still weak as much as I hate to admit it, but it becomes obvious when you can't even chew without wincing. I stare at the window pane in wonder. Through the small water droplets I swear I can see sunlight. I reach for the window with my free arm and retract it fast, as the pain crawls from my numb fingertips to my collarbone. I frown at my failed attempt. I just stare at my hand a sickly shade of purple. My veins cut against my pasty flesh in sharp knives. I can't help myself as wet droplets fill my eyes and reluctantly slide down my face.

I decide to wipe of the sticky tears, but again my arm blazes with sickening pain. I just shake my head and raise my eyes to the frescoed ceiling.

'God why? You could have chosen any person, any thing, in the whole universe and you decide to crush my life like a twig! I have done nothing, I am always here, ready to talk to you. You know I worship you and owe you my life, so why?'

I end my dialogue with a tear streaked face. My face is flushed and my hands are trembling. The answer is in the prayer. I have done nothing. Ever since my dad's death I had been the one to run the household and maintain their lives single handedly. I had done nothing. Did I almost die so I could live? It seems to be my logic, a new logic I will have to keep by.

I look to the ceiling again and smile in thanks to God. I then try to shake off my tears like a wet dog. To no prevail I soon give up. I sit back and laugh a small chuckle. I will live! I pact right then and there. My death bed now looks like a boat, and I'm ready to sail across the waves of life. I kiss Mason's forehead and grin wildly at my conclusion.

I sit there, wallowing in a new love of life as I feel a sensation across my cheeks. A finger was wiping away all tears, leaving a wet residue upon my cheeks. I look upwards in surprise to be captivated by eyes the color of valuable jade. The green is mesmerizing. I shyly smile, my eyes still on his, no willing to give up his gaze. My heart pounds wildly against my rib cage, a hummingbird in April. He then gazes to my lips and gasps at the blue color. He looks back, worry clearly clouding his vision. I chuckle and stroke circles on his warm hand in a language that I hope tell him 'I'm fine'. He looks back to my eyes and there, our conversation of silence takes off. I don't dare blink, for now I am living.