If I Could Fly

The talk

"Haz..."
"Yes?"
"We need to talk"
"I know"

Silence stretches between us for a few minutes, broken only by the TV.

"Haz..."
"Yeh?"

I hesitate for a second before whispering "I trust you" so quietly I'm not sure he's heard it.
But there it is, out in the open, for him to tear to pieces.

It's true, and maybe I'm mad, to forgive so easily, but it's Harry.
" but Harry, what happened?" I ask, and I know I don't need to elaborate, because that question I've been pondering for years.
Was I not worth it? Did I really mean that little to him? What on earth has possessed him that night, that he thought it was ok to do what he did?Just Why? Harry hesitates, I can feel the anxiety radiating off of him but I can't comfort him. Not yet.

"I... they... because... I couldn't be gay. Louis, I couldn't be in love with my best friend. I signed contracts, deals, wrote my life away. Had fake girlfriends, did pr stunts, sung about girls. I did what I had to, what I never thought I'd have to do, I was transformed into someone else, someone desirable, a puppet.
They had me cornered, trapped in a contract that made me Harry Styles, womaniser, rock star, best selling artist. I was media trained from the day I walked into that x-factor studio. They taught me how to act, how to speak, how to be Harry Styles. And to them, Harry Styles was nothing if not desirable, he slept around with models, and actresses, and he definitely, definitely wasn't gay.

It was too much, Lou, I couldn't handle seeing you, talking to you, knowing I was so in love, and so helpless to do anything about it. I couldn't face it anymore.
That night you called, they made me go on my first date, with this model I didn't even know the name of, to a restaurant I hated, and all I wanted was you. But I couldn't do that to you, drag you into my mess. I couldn't if I tried, I was already in such deep shit with the contract I'd signed, and I snapped. I was so angry, and so bitter at the new life I'd made.

I was embarrassed, that I was so desperate for my career to work, that I'd let myself get into this horrible, horrible mess. In my head I was completely stuck, trying desperately to fit in, to be exactly what management wanted me to be, and I'm so, so sorry Lou. I shouldn't have shut you out, shouldn't have let them control me and I definitely shouldn't have let you believe that I was angry with you, but it seemed easier, to let you hate me. To let you think I was a horrible person, hell, maybe I was, but that was easier. I was a coward, and a liar, and I'll never forgive myself. I'm so sorry." By now, he's shaking, and he's crying, and he's such a twat.

"Harry, I thought we told each other everything, I thought you trusted me. You mean I've waisted all this time being angry, and hurt, for some cold hearted asshole who thought it was ok to treat you like crap?"

"I do trust you Lou, I do, and I'm so, so sorry. No more secrets. No more shitty management. No more doing shit for other people. I'm doing this for me, Louis, because I need to make this right.
Because I never stopped loving you. I can't pretend to be someone else anymore.
The second I saw you in the bathroom, and yes I knew it was you, I knew I couldn't let you go again, couldn't let you walk out of my life.

I'm sorry it's taken me this long to tell you, but I'm so in love with you Louis Tomlinson, and I won't let you go again, not without a fight. You mean the world to me, and I'm sorry for making you believe the opposite, that's the biggest fucking lie I've ever told, and I know it was really shitty of me, and I know I don't deserve an ounce of your forgiveness, but just know I love you Louis, and that you, and Freddie, you're all I want. All I dream of.

I hope that one day I can make it up to you, because you and that sweet, sweet, little boy are my family, no matter what. No matter if I'm just the friend you see every now and again, or something more. I understand if you need time Lou, and space, but I'm not letting you go. Never."

My brain is working so hard, I can feel it buzzing, and I'm desperately trying to catch up to what he's saying. He lied. He's sorry. Management. Girlfriends. Media. Stunts. Pr.
Love. Love. Love. Love. Me.
Freddie. Family. He loves me. He's in love with me.

"Harry... I can't... I won't be able to do this if it's going to be complicated. Not with Freddie. He's my number one."

"I can't promise that my job won't send me all over the world. I can't promise that I will always be able to tell the truth about what you two mean to me. But I can promise that between you and me, Lou, there will be no more lies. You deserve so much better, you and Freddie. I want to be there for you both, I want to hold you every night.
I want to love you, with all I am, give you all of who I am- with no limits, there's nothing you could ask of me that I wouldn't do, nothing I wouldn't do to keep you two safe, and happy.
I know I fucked up our relationship in the past. I've learnt my lesson to never let anything come between us again. Not even myself. I promise." He says, looking into my eyes with every emotion. He's crying, eyes bright with tears that trigger my own.

" It's been so shit Harry, so fucking hard. I was so depressed and..."
I look down, unable to meet his eyes as I think of all the reckless things I did in his absence. I realise just how desperately I need him in my life.
Our time spent apart was like having half of my soul ripped away from me.

He takes me into his arms, and although it doesn't take the pain and the guilt, it makes me feel safe.
It makes me feel valid.
Like coming home to a warm embrace from the person you love the most.

"It's ok, I've got you now, I'm not letting you go." Harry whispers into my hair, and I let the tight hold I had on myself go, sobbing into his neck, grasping tightly to his shirt.

My tears seem too heavy, all balled up in the back of my throat. They're making it hard to breathe. Harry couldn't be holding me tighter though, and the crook of his neck is the perfect place to breathe deeply.

The thought makes me smile after a moment.
He owns my heart. He holds it so delicately, just as he has since the very first time that we met.

Before we reunited I used to think I was doing fine, but maybe I was more broken than I thought, because this feeling, feeling whole, is better than anything I've ever felt before. That's how I know. Now I have him, I'm not letting go.