Deeper Things

#2

I have looked back on the things I have done.
I wonder why did I do those things.
I ask myself why I stayed in a place that was so toxic.
hoping I could fix the person who was breaking me down.
I would stand there.
and let him beat me down verbally.
and I would take the physical pain that came along.
I never fought back. Out of fear I stayed.
I tried to better myself.
still in it yet as I did he broke me down again.
I said enough was enough and hid behind a fake smile.
I made jokes that weren't really funny.
that was my way of screaming for help.
few people seemed to notice.
I started fighting back even though I still tried to fix him.
He left after saying he couldn't handle the type of person I was.
that I was  unloyal.
and he didn't want anything to do with me.
I sat on the staircase as my legs wouldn't carry my weight.
I stared at my screen as the realisation hit.
I found myself shooting like a bullet being fired from a gun up to my room.
I couldn't breathe I was blinded by tears mixed emotions.
things were being thrown around my head.
I was never unloyal.
never did a thing to hurt you.
yet you did not have the audacity to be considerate and at least tell me face to face that we were done.
I fumbled with a cap and as I couldn't open the bottle I threw it across my room.
coming to the realization what I was thinking.
and i Continued to cry and hyperventilate as I could feel every bit of the damage you had caused.
I could tell that I would pass out. if I didn't get my breathing under control I started to calm down I stopped crying I started thinking where did I go wrong.
and I realized I did nothing wrong.
I stayed to benefit you.
I kept my friends at a distance.
I was cutting off people who mattered most to me because you hated I could be myself.
3 years later and you left  me afraid of human contact.
you brought me to a point where falling in love can be terrifying.
and when I do and when it lasts awhile I start telling myself that I'm ok.
that it won't be like what you did. I start to open up.
and then I get scared and shut people out again.
because I'm afraid of what the outcomes would be.