I can't take it any Longer.

My time, to Die.

I recommend listening to "To build a home" By The cinematic orchestra when you see '>>>>>'

Enjoy!

I awoke the next say with Alfie's arms still around me and our legs entwined, I woke up a few times in the night but i never seem to have nightmare when im with him. I slowly lifted his arm of off me and tried to stand up to go to the toilet. As i reached for my phone, a big hand pulled me back.

"Where do you think your going?" Alfie said with a big grin and tickled me like a child.

"Just poping to the loo." I said while pulling out of his reach and walking to my door.

I didn't feel in the mood to do anything today. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just needed time alone. I went to the bathroom and washed my face and had a shower. I then got changed into black leggings and a jumper to cover my cut. I walked back into my room to see Alfie already dressed and scrolling through his phone.

"So what do you want to do today little one?" Alfie asked excitedly.

"I don't really feel like doing anything today." I said with a low tone, not making eye contact with Alfie.

"hey, hey ,hey, look at me." He said while trying to catch my attention and then holding my chin to make my eyes look into his. I didn't look into his eyes.

"Are you alright, beautiful?" He asked, watching my face for any reaction.

"Can you stop, please?" I said with tears in my eyes. He looked very confused.

"Stop...Stop what?" He asked with confusion.

"Calling me beautiful!" i shouted making him startled.

"But, you are!" He said back laughing. As he said this Louise and Joe barged through my door.

"Is everything alright Chummy, we heard shouting?!" Louise said sounding exhausted after running up the stairs.

"Everything's alright, Zoe's just..." He was cut off by me interupting.

"Alfie, i think you should go." I said staring at the floor.

"I've not done anything! Zoe, you can't keep pushing me away!" Alfie protested.

"Mate, maybe its for the best, just for now." Joe said stepping into my room to get Alfie out.

Alfie didn't move his eyes off me until he left the room, Louise sat next to me on the bed and held me tight and we both listened to Joe and Alfie talk outside.

"Zoe goes through stages of being happy one minute and the next she just pushes everyone away, she doesn't mean what she's saying but once she's back to normal, i'll give you a call." Joe said.

"I just want to take care of her, it's hard to do that when all she want's is to be alone." Alfie replied sounding upset. "Just tell her to text me or call me or whatever." Alfie said back and then i heard him walk away and Joe came into my room.

'Once shes back to normal' I don't even know what normal is anymore. I'm sick and tired of pretending to be happy when all i want to do is cry!

"Do you want some time alone?" Louise asked me.

I managed to nod and before i knew it they had left the room. I have pushed everyone i love away from me. My phone started to buzz and it was all from Alfie. I ignored them all and found myself looking under my bed for my box. Once opened it, i had a choice of alcohol, drugs, cigerettes or a knife. I choose the alcohol and had vodka.

>>>>>>>>

After finishing the whole bottle of vodka and looking through all my old happy moments, meeting all the youtubers for the first time, my first ever upload, me thinking i was on the road to freedom and all it led me to was pressure and anxiety. I looked inside my box and placed the empty vodka bottle inside and pulled out the knife.

I placed the tip of the knife into my wrist and slid it on my arm. I started to do it over and over and over until i couldn't feel it. I might as well just finish myself off.

I held the knife to my stomach.

"On the count of 3."  I said quietly. I took a deep breath.

"1...2..." I was cut of by my phone ringing. I quickly glanced at it and it was Alfie. I answered.

"Ughhhhh, leave me alone!" I said quietly into the phone sobbing.

"You need to hear me out!" Alfie shouted into the phone hearing me cry.

"What have you got to say that could possibly make me any better, you don't have anything that could take this pain away from me" I said still sobbing.

"Zoe, I really care for you and I you think it's just a stupid crush and you might not think anything of it but when i see you cry i just want to hold you in my arms and make you better. When i see those scars on your arm, i just want to heal them and when i hear that you need me, I'll be there in seconds just to make sure your okay. Because Zoe I'm love with you! And if anything ever happened to you, I'd never be able to forgive myself. When you called me to come and pick you up at that club a while ago, and you told me you were with a guy. My heart broke, but if it made you happy, i was going to go along with it, until you told me how you felt and ever since then I've not been able to not think about you." He said very quickly and taking a deep breath at the end. "I'm In love with you Zoe."

"I love you too Alfie, I can't stop thinking of you either. I'm doing something right now and I just want you to know that you've made me so happy, and..." I started to cry. "Any woman would be lucky to have you, But not me...Not me Alfie. I'm a mess, and i can't take it any longer!" I said crying.

"Zoe! Stop! What are you doing?! I'm coming over! Zoe!" I listened to him for a while and then hung up.

I held the knife above my stomach once more. i hovered it until i found the perfect spot. I hope this kills me. Just imagine I wouldn't feel pain anymore, my body wouldn't ache from the touch of a person. I won't have anxiety, i wont be trapped in my skin. No one will need to worry about me.

"Everyone would be so much happier..." I Shouted as i stuck the knife into my stomach and watched as the light around me was consumed with darkness and I could hear the sound of people running up the stairs.

When i had depression it was like drowning, but not being able to die.

"Zoe! Zoe! Oh my god! Shit!" I heard a familiar voice say. "Zoe!" it was Alfie.