Bet ~Jean x Reader AU~

Chapter 27: Alone

My face stung from the icy gale blowing my tear stained cheeks, my nose running in response to my crying and the cold. My body trembled, the quivers making it difficult for me to walk. I couldn't tell if I was shaking because of the keen breeze numbing me or if it was because of my fading sobs. There was a twinge pulling at my chest as an empty pit formed in my stomach. My meeting with YM/N hadn't gone as smoothly as I would have liked. In fact, it only made me wish I could cut all ties with her all that much more.

I continued to stumble until I came to an empty bench. I plopped down on the hard wooden surface and buried my face into my palms just as a fresh batch of tears rolled down my cheeks. I usually could contain my composure like a champ, but YM/N had this magical power of just demolishing that barrier as if it were merely paper. And she knew how to make every little part of me break...and break...and break. I was crumbling into a million little pieces, the jagged fragments too small to stitch back together. My mother truly knew how to break me, and I was already broken.

Why? Why can't I just ignore what she says? Why does she have this strong of an affect on me? I questioned, still feeling my heart shatter. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why am I so pathetic? I sniffled, still feeling each tear roll down my face. That hollow sensation in my stomach spread to my chest, bringing a crippling pain over me. I won't deny it, the emotional toll my mother held on me often spread to physical as well, leading to my chest pains. It literally felt like I was dying.

She doesn't love me...she doesn't care...she never has. I swallowed. Neither her or YF/N have ever cared. He left me abandoned with her and she couldn't have cared less about me. I began to curl my fingers, digging my nails into the flesh of my forehead. A sudden wave of anger washed over me, years of pent-up emotions barreling down on me. I was angry...I was upset...but above all, I was hurt. I was hurt because I was all alone with no one on my side. I never had anyone on my side. I...never...had...anyone. Ever.

I began to bounce one of my legs, the feelings causing me to fidget. I could feel my emotions starting to get the better of me. My rage bubbled within my veins, my nails digging more into my own flesh. My breathing was growing erratic, each breath quick and shallow, leading me to almost hyperventilate. I suddenly wanted to break or throw something just to help me cope with my emotions. I just wanted some way to unleash my fury...but I didn't know how.

"I hate this, I hate this, I hate this," I mumbled into my palms. "I hate this, I hate my life, I hate them, and I hate me." Numbness consumed me just then and I weakly whimpered, "I hate myself. I hate myself more than anything."

Rage quickly boiled down into an emotion I hated above all others. An emotion I so desperately tried to keep at arm's length no matter what the situation was. An emotion that seared scars on my mental compacity. Loneliness. That horrible, horrible feeling was loneliness.

And that was because it meant I was alone.

I was alone.

I was always alone.

I would always be alone.

I dropped my hands into my lap and glanced up at the sky, my gaze meeting the view of the clear blue welkin overhead. It was a beautiful sight to see, its stunning artic smile appearing like a mesmerizing jewel. The sun grinned down at me with a chipper smirk, but despite how joyous the day appeared, I couldn't reflect its delight. I was numb...I was empty...I was hollow. I was destroyed beyond recognition.

I continued to stare up at the sky despite my body shivering from the cold, my teeth chattering. I was starting to feel the frigid winter air once again, the numbness my emotions had spread evaporating. In truth, I was freezing, my hands and face going numb, but I didn't want to move. I just stayed there, not moving, not caring if I froze to the bench. If no one else cared about me, then why should I have cared about myself?

It was pointless, really. There was no way for me to rebuild myself from the ashes my life had become from years' worth of pain. I was nobody -less than a plain Jane. I was nobody and nothing...nobody and nothing was me.

Worthless...stupid, worthless dirt.

**Ello my lovelies! So, I'm pretty sure everyone has faced feeling like this -I know I have. Just a heads up, but things might start to get a little more serious/darker. I'll give warnings at the start of any chapters containing sensitive material. Just, please read with caution, okay? And, if you struggle with any emotional/mental problems, please don't be afraid to reach out to a trusted friend/family member. You all deserve nothing but happy and healthy lives! And know that I wuv yous!! <3**

-Noel Ross