Diary of an Emotional Asshole

Friday, August 31

    It is currently 11:00 PM. I am alone in my room watching TV, well not really watching because I'm on my phone. I would like to not share my name for personal reasons.  I really won't share too much like names of the people I will mention or my age and the school I go to. I don't think my gender really matters, but I am a female.
    I have a diary where I write what I feel every day but lately I haven't been writing because when I write I don't put everything that I want to say. Being able to type what I want on here is easier. It might not make sense to you but it makes sense to me and it helps.
    The first thing I want to talk about is how I don't like people who confuse being sad to being ungrateful.  I get sad a lot and my mom will think that I am ungrateful but I'm really grateful about everything that I have.  I am just like any other person who will want things like clothes, make up, etc. I feel bad about the way I feel because I know how it affects her.  A person who is ungrateful is someone who is never happy with the things that they have and they always want more. The difference is that the person who is sad, like me, finds it hard to enjoy anything, really.  I just don't think that people really think about how the person who is having these feelings really feels. Whenever my mom and my sister call me ungrateful it makes me feel worse because I know I should be happy, but no matter what, I feel sad.
   I haven't been the same since I was in fifth grade. A lot of bad things happened as I was growing up and as a kid I didn't really understand them but now the feelings that I should've had have caught up to me and they won't go away.  Bad things happen all the time now and I don't know how to react to them because as a kid I would brush it off because I didn't understand. I really want help because I feel like I just get worse every day and I don't know what to do. I don't really want to talk to the school counselors because I don't think that they are much help plus I wouldn't want them to tell my family how I feel.  I can't talk to friends because if I told them every single feeling that I had they probably wouldn't want to be friends with me. I don't think that many people really understand feelings and they simply ignore them because nowadays depression and suicide is all a joke.
    I can't really ask to go to therapy, I've tried it before, my mom just doesn't think that I need it because she doesn't even know how I feel or believe in depression.  I probably wouldn't even be able to afford therapy because I know that it can be really expensive and I wouldn't want to do that to my mom. I used to talk to my sister all the time but ever since she started dating I just felt like I was a problem that she didn't need.  I just feel like everyone has somebody to go to except for me. 
    I used to really like my sister and I felt like I could go to her for anything. But recently I can't even stand to talk to her or look at her because whenever I see her the pain just comes back to me. I almost feel like she betrayed me and left me behind for someone else. This isnt a new feeling though, a lot of people would rather choose someone else over me but I guess that's not their fault it's mine.
   A lot of things are my fault. I hung out with the bad people and I became a bad person. Deep down I probably deserve every single bad thing that happens to me because there hasn't been anything to prove that I don't deserve it. I want to be a good person and I want to be happier so I can stop depending on people who treat me like trash.
  It kind of sucks that I had a mental break down today because I'm going to go to a party tomorrow for my friends birthday and I don't want to ruin it for her all because I can't handle my emotions. I'm pretty good at handling my emotions when I'm around friends but sometimes breakdowns come out of nowhere. But now I think I can just chew gum and I'll calm down a little.  I don't know why, but chewing gum keeps me calm and helps me move through the day a little easier.

That's all for today I should get some sleep because if not I'll start staying up late and it'll be harder for me to wake up to go to school.  As if I'd want to wake up for school anyway.