Daily Dose of Dipshit.

The Skank

Once upon a time I had an aunt. Long story short, she cheated on my uncle and they got devorced. Fast forward a couple years, my uncle is happily married to a wonderful woman (who just so happens to be my dentist) and the have the occasional four little squirts that I call my cousins running around. I say occational because two of them are his from his previous marraige, and two of them are hers from her own pervious marraige, and both sets visit their other parents. 

Anywho, now that you know the basics, let me tell you a little something about my once-upon-a-time to really get the story rolling. She's bat shit crazy. From the obviously fake spray tans, countless boyfriends, lack of stability, snooty personality, and overexcessive eye make up, she's nailed the screaming-for-attention persona. Even though she is my ex-aunt and has a name, we'll forgo the lack of privacy she doesn't want and just call her The Skank. 

You can feel the love, right?

Now I'm generally a pretty nice person. Sure, I get pissed off around that time of the month, but hey, I have ovaries too. And sure I've told a couple people that I don't like them so they would just stahp, or slapped my brother just because he's irritating, or continuously ranted about my more-annoying-than-fudge coworker until my friends (and mother) wanted to slap me senseless, but that's beside the point. The point is I've always been nice to The Skank because she's never personally disrespected me and I'm not the type of person who would just act rude because you aren't family any more, no matter what stories I overhear from my parents. 

That all changed today. 

Before we really get the story rolling, (another back story, I know, I'm sorry) I want you to know that I have a cousin that I love to death. We've been thick as thieves ever since we were running around like the little shits we were at family gatherings. Just so you have a brief understanding, when she didn't see me right away at our annual Thanksgiving dinner, she stopped and yelled "Where's my Jenna-babe?!" Until someone pointed her in the right direction. Now you see why I love her, right?

Anyway. This cousin works at a restaraunt, where the skank convieniently went to eat with her boy toy a couple evenings ago.  Then she scoped out my cousin and this is how it basically went down:

The Skank: "So, are Jenna's parents getting a divorce?"

Awesome Cousin: "Umm, no."

The Skank: "Really? Because her dad is seeing another woman."

Awesome Cousin: "Oh, I doubt it."

^Awesome responces are awesome. 

But seriously. Apparently Awesome Cousin went home upset and told her (divorced- low blow skank-) parents about it and her mom told our mutal aunt about it who told her coworker\my dentist (See how that irrelivent piece of information worked into this story?), and now everyone knows what a kniving cow she really is. 

But, plot twist, there's a second part to the story.

The other day, after all of this went down, my uncle, who also happens to be Awesome Cousin's dad, called my dad saying he might have accidently made the whole thing worse.

But trust me, this is the best part. 

Awesome Cousins's dad was talking to his current wife (Jackie) about what had happened, only his wife thought The Skank was talking their relationship. And, much like the wild honey badger, Jackie don't take no shit. Jackie kicks ass. She immedietly went through her contacts looking for someone who knew The Skank's number. Apparently someone knew it, but wouldn't give it up because not even an hour later, Awesome Cousin gets a message over facebook from The Skank saying she was talking about my parents, and to pretty please make sure Jackie knew that she did not mean her relationship one little bit.

Beautiful, right?

But, double plot twist, there's a third part of the story.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any better.

According to my uncle that is now married to the dentist, The Skank was asking around for my phone number, "just in case something happened to the boys while we were at the movies." Just in case you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm. This sounds like I'm overthinking things because of what happened, but trust me when I say she couldn't give two shits about her kids. She would rather be out partying than be an actual mother. Her lawyer told her she had to get her shit together or else there would be no case for her to fight for my uncle wanting full custody of the kids.

So after hearing what had happened, and being informed that The Skank was looking for a way to contact me, here is what I concluded:

1. The Skank wanted my number so that she could tell me my dad was cheating on my mom. (I had deleted her off of Facebook).

2. She couldn't get to me, so she told my cousin, figuring that she would tell me as soon as she found out.

3. My cousin told me she didn't buy it because,

4. Anyone who knows a- my dad or b- The Skank, knows how implausable it is. 

What I learned through this whole ordeal is that you should never be civil to someone who doesn't deserve it and that you should highly respect Jackie because she will kick ass.