Ten years ago I wake up at morning but I didn't see the morning light. I tried to open my eyes widely but still everything was dark. I waved my hand in front of me but I couldn't see it. I just realized that I lost my sight and I am in the middle of darkness. I screamed and cried. I called my mother; she didn't believe what I was trying to tell her. She took me to the emergency room. I cried all the way in a desperate attempt to get my sight back; maybe the tears would dispel the darkness. The way to the hospital took 15 minutes but that day it took ages for me to reach the emergency room.
Finally, we arrived and they gave me priority to see the doctor. He requested many tests and procedures to know exactly what I have. I had a blood test and an MRI for my brain. I asked him dozens of questions but he didn't answer. he just said "we should wait for the results." after waiting for six hours in the waiting room, they called me. the doctor told me that I had to stay in the hospital for a few days to take cortisone dose to return my sight. according to him, it was temporary blindness.I asked "then what?" and he replied, "we will do another MRI to make sure we get the same result."
I was on IV for cortisone treatment and my sight slowly returned to me. During that time, I was thinking: what disease doI have? Is it cancer and am I going to die soon? If yes, I want to go home and die in my bed; I don't want to loose my hair. I don't know why I thought that but I felt like I was face to face with death, and he was so dark I couldn't see his face.
After one week I went to the clinic to see the doctor. He tried his best to explain my condition as simply as I could understand at that age. He showed me my brain MRI and there was one white dot. This dot was the reason for my temporary blindness. He said it is more common in very cold regions, not in hot places like the middle east. He explained many things to me and my mom but the only thing I still remember is when he said," this disease can affect her balance and her ability to walk one day." I didn't say a word and my mother was crying. It was the most horrible moment in my life.
I was taking a muscular injection every other day. I learned how to inject myself and I am now my own nurse. I hated everything and everybody. I started to take anti-depression pills. As a result, I gained weight of these pills. I was wondering: Where is god? If he really exists why me? Why I am the one who should suffer? I have never done anything wrong . I didn't get the chance to doAfter anything wrong. I stopped believing in him because he wasn't helping me. I isolated myself socially: no friends, no activities, only school, home, and hospital.
I finished my high school in the year I was diagnosed with MS. Then I started college and graduated with a degree in English literature. After that, I got my Master in health administration. At that time, I was in a war situation. I had to fight and I couldn't stop. This gave me the courage to finish my studies.Even though I was hospitalized many times. It was hell to fight something I couldn't see but I could feel and which can harm me at any time he wants. So then I thought to make a peace treaty between us. The treaty states that I will stop blaming him for all bad things that happened to me and accept him as part of me. On the other hand, he will stop attacking me but will not leave me. He will stay.
Once I read that "having MS means never giving up." Now the treaty is still effective and there are still some violations from time to time. Finally, I stopped taking the anti-depression medication and I lost weight. I am now in my late twenties and work in a hospital. I also am an active member of the MS awareness society in my town. Above all of that, I believe now in God's existence and I believe more he is inside each one of us.
