Peace of Mind

I

The first day back to school was the worst.  People couldn't seem to work up the nerve to talk to me.  They all gave me those stupid, puppy-eyed, sad looks of someone who knows that they should be upset, but they can't quite bring themselves to, so they feel guilty.  I couldn't meet their eyes.

The headlines and news reports were still running flashing through my mind, drowning out everything else.  Teen boy killed in accident with George King.  Unfortunate accident with Senator King leaves boy dead.  Fatal car crash with New York senator kills high school student.  They all raced through my mind, bringing up other thoughts and memories that felt no better.  I could see it in peoples' eyes, in the way they spoke to me, that they were afraid, although I wasn't sure why.  Were they afraid of me trying to follow Alex, trying to kill myself?  They should have been worried about that for a long time, before my best friend was gone.  Or were they worried that I would do the opposite- that instead of fading away, I would blow up, I would explode in their faces if they said the wrong thing?  Whatever it was they were afraid of, only one person spoke directly to me that day, and that was the school counselor, Mr. Washington.

Mr. Washington was almost like a father to me and to some of my friends, but mostly to Alex.  He was probably the only one at the school who actually knew what it felt like to go to that funeral, who knew what it was like to lose someone you were that close to.  Gilbert and Hercules probably would've understood, but Gil had gone back to France just a week ago, and Hercules had gone with him.  I hadn't been as upset as I should have been, but then again, I'd had Alex.  I'd figured I'd always have Alex.  

He'd been there for me since the first day of freshman year, when he moved to New York.  He and I were both new that year- he'd come from St. Kitts, I'd come from South Carolina- and we bonded immediately.  There's just something about two people not knowing anyone that pulls us together.  Ever since that first day, when we both got so lost that we couldn't even find the office, Alex was the one to stand up for me.  

Gilbert and Hercules came last year, my junior year.  At that point, Alex had become more popular.  Suddenly, the Schuyler girls and John André and a bunch of other people came to sit with us at lunch, but Alex always put time aside for me.  Even when he started dating Eliza Schuyler- even though I could tell Angelica was better for him- he made sure that no one made fun of me and that he put time aside to hang out with me. Then Gil and Herc came, and our little guy-group was a bit bigger.  Gilbert came from France as a foreign exchange student, and Hercules was coming out of homeschooling.  They fit in with our group quickly, but they were always more interested in each other. They both graduated last year, and Hercules went with Gilbert to France, and that was that. 

As I sat in Washington's office, staring at a quote painted to his wall ("Legacy. What is a legacy? It's planting seeds in a garden you never get to see") I couldn't help thinking about Hercules and Gilbert and mostly Alex.  I didn't know what I was going to do without him. 

"John?"

I looked up to see Mr. Washington standing in the doorway.  I didn't say a word, just tilted my head.  

"I have another student here who is going through something similar in relation to Alexander." I saw the pain flash through his eyes quickly, but acted as though I hadn't. "Would you mind doing a group session?"

A few people flashed through my mind- Gilbert, Hercules, all three Schuyler sisters, Maria Lewis... I nodded, and Mr. Washington stepped aside to reveal the student. 

"Jefferson?!"

[I meant to publish this hours ago but I got distracted with Skype and I forgot to write my author's note, so if you wanna blame anyone, blame WhizzerMyMan, riendsboyf or slythcrins. But that's okay because they're great. Definitely follow them.
Anyway, welcome to my newest fanfic! I'm excited for it because in case you hadn't noticed, I write a lot of fluff and not so much angst... here's a story to make up for all of the angst that I could have included, but didn't. Have fun!! xoxo]