To Be Like Me

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The most memorable thing about Brendan, was his ability to talk as if the people surrounding him weren't even listening. Like he was alone in a room, with the freedom to talk about whatever and whomever he chose without having to take consideration into who was surrounding him. Now whether that be a good or bad thing, it was memorable. A memory is still a memory, whether it be good or bad.

I could talk to him for hours at a time, and he'd never run out of words to say, stories to tell, quotes to recite. It was amazing how easily he spoke, as if the words were as smooth as his gelled back hair.

I've been asked "do you still love him?" by my small arrangement of friends at least twice a day, to which I answer with a shrug. Does love ever really fade?

"Maybe he's coming to your mind because Trent's gone," Delilah suggested, taking a swig of her Diet Coke.

I nodded, motioning towards her chips, and she slid the bag over to me. I smiled gratefully in reply.

"And he was your first love, too. That just makes it even harder," Dylan said, pushing his glasses back to the bridge of his nose where they belong.

"I think it's just something I'll have to get over," I replied quietly, focusing my attention onto the bag of chips in front of me.

Delilah turned her head, and I watched as Brendan and her made eye contact. Then Brendan's gaze lingered for a moment, shifted over to me, then back to Delilah. He got in line, and every few seconds, he'd turn back around, as if he was seeing if I was still there. Something about the eagerness in his glances made my heart race, but I decided to ignore it.

"My house after school?" Dylan asked, even though it wasn't much of a question anymore. We had all become so used to going from seventh period to Dylan's car, that it had become a mental go-to.

We nodded in unison, then I stood up and gathered my garbage. "I'm gonna head to study hall, I need to work on a project due next hour," I announced, then slung my bag over my shoulder and walked over to the two big, blue trash cans and dumped my garbage in. I quickly turned around, desperate to get out of there before I could make anymore eye contact with Brendan. I could practically hear my heart beating in my ears just from those couple seconds of unwanted contact.

I stuck my ear buds in my ears, and made my way down the hallway. The hall was filled with kids lined against the walls, some making out, some talking, someone sketching. So much variety. In my boring jeans and in my boring Wal-Mart shirt, I felt like a sore thumb. I dodged a group of theater kids, then made my way down the empty hall by the art room.

I had friends. I had a decent amount, actually. But I just preferred being on my own when it came to certain things. And right then, I just needed some time alone to think.

Crowds overwhelm me. I don't know why and I don't know how it started, but talking to more than one person at once makes my head feel all weird. Lunch is an exception, because Dylan and Delilah know about the weird head thing. But no one else does, so no one knows not to talk to me when I'm already talking to someone else.

My mind went from lunch, to my homework, to my mom, to Brendan. No matter how much I had going on, my mind still traced back to Brendan. Even after months.

I sat on my hands, because I knew if my hands had the freedom, they'd pick at the scabs and the cuts on my arms and legs to try and calm myself down. And there's only so many trips to the nurses office I can get before they start to get concerned and call home.

Brendan never liked my anxiety. I told him multiple times that if he didn't like every part of me, then he didn't truly love me. But his stubbornness outweighed my common sense, so of course, I had to just nod and smile. One of my biggest regrets was constantly biting back my tongue before I spoke. I had nothing to be afraid of, but I felt like I did.

I shook my head. I was thinking too deeply into this. We were over. Why did all of this matter now?

Sighing, I collapsed against the wall then slid onto the floor. I buried my head in my knees, tears welling in my eyes. I couldn't figure out why I was crying. I just felt the need to let it all out.

The bell rang above my head, and soon enough, the halls filled with gossiping teenagers.

I looked up, and for a split second, I saw Brendan. And for just that split second, I saw a smile.