To Be Like Me

01

School had always been difficult for me. But it had become progressively more difficult after I made the treacherous decision to go out with Trent.

Trent wasn't popular, or a jock, or your neighborhood player. But he was the type of boy you'd known for years, the one who witnessed your scarred knees and your popsicle stained lips. The boy you'd grown up with.

And because of that, because of all the memories, my mind simply told me that if I were to fall in love with a childhood best friend, it would all end well. It would all end well because he's seen me at my best times.

But had he seen me at my worst? Has he seen the tears I've cried, because my mind was telling me things that haunted my dreams and caused me to lose sleep? Has he seen the scratch marks in my wrists from the edge of my notebook, the notebook I used to calm myself during an anxiety attack? Has he seen the fear in my eyes I'd soon have as I looked at someone who once used to be a childhood friend, now he was nothing more than a stranger?

I bit my bottom lip as I sat in the backseat of Dylan's car.

Dylan and Delilah always seemed closer than I was to either of them. Whether it be romantic or not, I could tell by their close proximity and their smiling faces that they were extremely comfortable with each other. Me, on the other hand, was just a bystander in the backseat of a car.

"How was your day, Lacey?" Delilah asked, finally averting her attention away from Dylan.

How was my day? Terrible.

"Good, how about yours?" I asked, plastering a grin on my face for emphasis.

"It was decent. But in math class, Mrs. Luna handed me back my test, and she had given me an F! Like can you believe..."

And so, there I spent the next five minutes listening to her complain about her grade. Which I was completely fine with, I would be complaining too. But at that very moment, I felt like I wasn't really there. My ears and my eyes went out of focus, and I couldn't hear a damn word she was saying. I was listening, but I couldn't hear a word.

Images of Brendan flashing a smile at me filled my head, while he ran a hand through his hair. The image made me both nauseous and dizzy, and I suddenly felt the urge the jump out of the car and never get back up.

But, of course, I continued to "listen" to Delilah complain about her grades. All the while suicidal thoughts ran through my head like a rushing river.

"And it was just ridiculous," she finished. I rolled my eyes, and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Mrs. Luna is an idiot sometimes," I said.

"I know right?" She huffed, then slumped down in her seat.

* * *

Delilah cuddled close to Dylan on his couch, while I sat on the other side, a bowl of popcorn in my lap.

I didn't mind it, really. It gave me more time and the headspace to think.

The movie played, though I didn't really know what movie it was. Nor care, if I'm being completely honest.

"I just wanted to call and say I love you," Trent said into the phone, his voice laced with raspiness, as if he had just waken up or was sleepy.

"I love you too," I replied shyly, my heart racing. It was the first time we said "I love you." And the first time I've meant it.

"Good. I was going to have to fight you if you didn't," he chuckled, and I felt my heart melt at the sound of his voice. Everything felt serene and beautiful.

I opened my eyes, freed my lip from my teeth, and felt tears well up in my eyes. The moment replayed itself over and over in my head, until all I could hear was Trent's voice saying "I love you," each time becoming more and more distant. I felt nauseous.

I quickly stood up, knocking over the popcorn, then rushed over to the bathroom.

My hair was matted with sweat, my eyes bugged out. I looked hideous, like I had just went for a 20 mile run. Mascara was leaking down my face, leaving stains that looked similar to streaks of dirt on my face.

"You are so pathetic," I muttered under my breath, my hands shaking as I ripped off a piece of toilet paper, and patted under my eyes, frantically trying to get the mascara off. I ended up just smearing it more.

I heard a knock on the door.

"Lace, you okay?" Delilah's concerned voice asked through the door.

"Y-yeah, I'm perfectly fine!" I replied, my voice slightly garbled. But it must've not been that bad, because she didn't ask again. She just walked away.

I felt anger boil in my stomach. It had been so obvious that I was hurting, but everyone continued to believe me when I said I was fine. But then I felt angry at myself for being angry. It was my fault, I don't know why I had taken the time to pin the blame on other people.

I felt my phone ring in my pocket, and I pulled it out and glanced at the caller ID.

Brendan

I felt my chest tighten, and I threw my phone onto the floor. My screen cracked slightly, but no major damage was done. Even if it shattered, I wouldn't have cared. I didn't want to see his name on my phone, no matter how much I missed him. Not at a time like this.

The door opened, and Delilah and Dylan both rushed in. Their faces were contorted as their eyes met my bugged out ones.

"Lacey, what's wrong?" Dylan asked quietly, as if he was afraid he would break me.

"I'm exhausted. I think I need to head home," I responded quickly. They glanced at each other, then Delilah sighed.

"You're coming to my house," she responded sternly. I knew there was no changing her mind, so I just nodded weakly.

She grabbed my hand, and carefully led me out of the bathroom. We sat together on the couch, and she put her head on my shoulder. Dylan sat on the other side, his arm wrapped around me.

I began to cry, and I didn't stop myself this time.