Remedy (Randy)

Hope

Despite popular belief within the band, Andy hadn't told them everything. He was still holding a lot of it in, letting little parts of himself be exposed as time moved on. They all understood on a level, but Rye just knew the most. They all knew the same information, but they hadn't seen Andy, hadn't felt his tears.

Since that near death experience, Rye and Andy had been inseparable, almost afraid that the second they weren't within eye-shot of each other something horrible would happen. Nights were spent with Andy sleeping in Harvey's vacant bed, talking to Rye about anything and everything until one of them fell asleep. Work had been hectic, but Andy didn't feel it was building up on him anymore. Everyone was helping him, and he couldn't be more grateful. 

It was another busy day. rushing from gym to studio to recording covers with Chris to filming a vlog to going live, and everyone was exhausted by 9pm. Jack and Brooklyn retired to their room, both falling asleep almost instantly as the events of the day played in their heads, like a free movie.

Mikey sat on his bed, editing something or other, sometimes adding to the conversation. He had noticed the change in Rye's behaviour, he seemed more open, and honest. Almost like after 3 years he finally felt comfortable. Mikey missed Harvey something shocking, they had matching intellect and ideas about the world, and he just missed the easy conversation. He sighed, sleep finally winning as he looked at Rye and Andy, looking at each other fondly as they continued their conversation. 

"Hey guys I'm gonna head to sleep now, goodnight " Mikey said, signalling them to shut up. They both got up and began to walk into Rye's room, each boy uttering a small "Goodnight mate" to Mikey, who honestly loved having a room to himself. Complete peace, and silence. Just the way he liked it.

Andy climbed into Harvey's bed, wondering what the topic of conversation would be tonight. He loved all the other boys, with his whole heart, but it was so easy with Rye. He listened, and he understood.

"Hey mate it's only half 9, want to watch a movie or something?, asked Rye, a hint of want in his voice. Andy considered for a second, before shaking his head, he was too tired to focus on much.

"Can we just talk? I'm really tired" Andy said, hoping they could have a really intelligent conversation about something, he enjoyed hearing Rye's perspective of the world.

Rye nodded, offering that little smile where his face crinkles up, his eyes turn kind and his mouth does that thing where it turns up at one side. He turned the light off, leaving them in complete darkness. Anything could happen in the dark, the possibilities felt endless.

Andy began with, " Do you ever think about how there's probably one of our fans out there right now being really upset or crying themselves to sleep and how there's nothing we an really do"

Rye began to nod, before realising the other boy couldn't see him," You can't save everyone" He answered with a blunt truth that hit Andy right in the chest. 

"But you can try" Andy retorted, not liking how Rye would so easily give up on people who may or may not even exist. It made Andy feel like Rye could easily give up on him, just walk out of him life like so many had done before and every wall Andy had let down in the past couple of weeks immediately went back up. Rye had been saying something, but Andy was no longer listening. All he could think was he's going to leave, Andy sighed and rolled over and pretended to fall asleep. He just needed it all to stop.

Rye stopped talking and sighed. He wanted to know Andy. He wanted to know what he thought about at night, what his go to depression song was right now, his opinions on everything, even something as simple as what he had for breakfast. He felt like Andy was so private and he wanted to fully know him, not the version that Andy thinks people want to see.

"Andy?" Rye called into the darkness a few minutes later, Andy replied with a grunt because he had been in limbo, that place between being awake and asleep, but the hesitance in Rye's voice made him wake up.

"Yeah?" He said groggily, not expecting much.

"Are you okay?" Rye asked, not sure what the answer would be, but feeling the need to ask because Andy would never open up unless asked too, and he really wanted him too.

"It's not like there is anything like, actually wrong, but I just always have a crushing fear that it's all going to go wrong at the same time and I'll have nothing left, I just go through the motions everyday like there's no meaning in any of it" Andy finished, shocking himself into a confused silence at how much he had just let out, and to Rye of all people, who was still going to give up on him no matter what. As the silence went on he felt tears build in his eyes because Rye simply couldn't understand how much it had taken to let that out, to give a piece of himself to Rye that he had kept hidden for so long. It was true, the gaping hole in his life had returned and suddenly he forgot he was Andy Fowler, of Roadtrip, and he was andy fowler, anxiety ridden and depressed. He felt so pathetic.

He snapped back into reality when he heard Rye get up and sit for a second, then stand up and walk towards Andy.

"Let me in" Rye said sadly, Andy slowly moved over so Rye could sit down beside him, knowing they needed to have this conversation, no matter how awkward it'll be, and they needed to be able to see the outline of each other in the moonlight.

"Andy,- you- you just can't go on like this. We need to be honest with each other. What's wrong?" asked Rye gently, slowly letting Andy infiltrate his head, knowing he couldn't stop it. Andy took a big, shaky breath as he let out a little sob as he tried to fight against his own conscience, that was telling him he will leave, just like the others. But this wasn't some random person, this was Rye.

"When I tell you this, you can't tell anyone, and I don't want to talk about it again" Andy said with as much confidence he could muster in that moment, Rye nodded in the dark, and Andy could just about make out his big dark eyes, boring into his own with so much sincerity and intensity.

"I've been thinking about how hard everything used to be, and it's starting to feel like that again bro, like getting up in the morning is a challenge. I just want to slip back into it. When I had no one to impress it was so easy to lie in bed all day. Even at the start of the band, I used to-" He took a steady breath as he prepared for his next words,"I used to hurt myself. Sometimes really bad. Not anymore but it would be so easy to just go back to that life." 

Rye sat shell-shocked. He felt like a bomb had just been dropped on their house and no one noticed but him. Andy had been in so much pain for so long and not one of them had noticed. Andy had went to bed at night tearing himself to shreds, only to wake up whole again in the morning. Rye let silent tears slip down his cheeks as he took it all in. He had found so much out about Andy in the past couple of weeks and it was a lot.

Andy looked at Rye for some sort of reaction, but got none.

He's going to leave, pathetic

Rye was going to do just the opposite. He was brought out of his thoughts by a little sniffle and he looked down at poor Andy, who was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

"Andy Fowler, I will never leave you or let anyone hurt you, not even yourself. I love you. The boys love you. Thank you for telling me that, now I can support you in every way possible. I just want you to be happy." 

Andy was certainly not expecting that. Relief washed over his body and he sat up and pulled Rye into a hug. They held on, closing the space between them, and feeling closer than ever.

Rye wasn't leaving not now, not ever.

"Can we sit here a while before you go back to bed?" Rye nodded into Andy's shoulder, running his hand through Andy's hair carefully, the type of care you take with a person who you truly care for, who matters to you.

"I'm not going back to bed" replied Rye with a thickness to his voice. He couldn't. Not after all Andy had just told him.

Andy nodded, understanding. They both needed to be near each other, to be touching so they could remember they were loved.

Andy lay back in the bed, putting his arms out so Rye could crawl into them. They both fell asleep with the other boy in their minds, and Rye continued to play with Andy's hair, just for that little piece of comfort, for that little piece of his soul.