Seeing In Color | Transgender

Chapter 1

I just think that I need to put this out there.  I'm a cis male. I'm not trans so I will never be able to understand the pain those in the trans community go through and for that I am sorry. Although, I hope I am able to portray this as well as I can. I find the LGBT community fascinating and I'm simply a guy who is writing some random shit. If I do something wrong with portraying the LGBT  community in this story please let me know. Don't hesitate. I don't have many examples to go off in my personal life. I don't personally know anyone who is trans besides a MTF cousin I've only met a couple times. I apologize for never being able to fully understand the pain these people go through.

- Chris

I walked outside in the icy cold. I can feel the chilling air brush past the skin on my face as I pull down my sleeves further, hoping the warmth from my jacket will take over what cold I have inside. But it never truly does.

I alone. I'm always alone. Despite hundreds of kids around me, I just feel so alone. I feel broken. Why can't anyone see that?

I have friends. I have so many friends. But why don't they hang out with me? Why don't I walk over to them? Why can't I just move my legs in the right direction? It's like I'm on the wrong path with no directions. I'm starting to believe I never really had friends in the first place. Perhaps I was right.

That was when I felt his hands pushing me. I didn't even have to turn around and look, I knew who it was. I felt my body rush to the ground as it smack against the pavement. I knew a crowd was growing, but nothing would happen.

"What's up, fag?" He said, laughing. I could hear high fives and more laughter. They thought this was funny. They always thought it was funny. Everything was a joke to them. I was a joke to them.

For a while I had started to question whether or not they realized what they were doing. I wondered if they truly intended to hurt me or just thought I was playing along. I had never fought back but never played along either. Perhaps they thought this was simple teasing. Perhaps they truly wanted me pained and flooded with despair. Then again, so do I.

I stood back up, wiping away the blood on my sleeve from my lip. This one's gonna be a tough story to explain to my parents. I know they've always told me that if someone starts a fight, I finish it. But how can I fight this battle when I can barely fight the one inside?

"What do you want, Brooke." I called him by his last name, he didn't deserve his name written on my tongue when it was already written in my blood.

"I just wanted to say Hi." He said innocently.

"Hi." I mumbled angrily. I noticed the crowd was growing, but I didn't do anything.

"Speak up why don't you!" He yelled suddenly.

He pushed me to the ground again, causing me to fall back and hitting my head. It hurt for a split second, but I knew there was no damage. I'd just have a headache for a while. This time I didn't get back up. What's the point if he'll just push me down again?

"What? Not gonna talk?" He mocked me.

I kept my mouth shut. My blood boiling with anger.

"Treat me with some respect why don't you." He kicked me in my lower stomach, causing me to roll on my side, "Because I'm doing you a favor. The whole school knows about you, and how much of a faggot you are. That's more than anyone will know about you, be grateful." He whispered. Kicking me again.

He went back to his friends, laughing. I stayed quiet. I could feel my face burn. Was it anger? Or embarrassment? I couldn't tell.

"Come on, look around you, Erica." He held his arms out, I looked at the crowd, so many people, "No one cares. No one genuinely cares."

No one said anything. I wanted to believe that they were scared, but a part of me knows that's not true.

"So why don't you just do the world a favor and kill yourself." He got closer to me this time.

Smiling. He was smiling.

That was when I decided, I've had enough of this.

I pushed myself up harshly, startling him as he stumbled back. That was when I started to yell.

"You know what, Danny? You know what? I am just sick of you! I am sick of this! I am just so tried of you making me feel like I am less than everyone because you have nothing else better to do with your life! Do you know what this feels like? Huh?" I poked him in the chest, he didn't do anything, he was stunned, "Do you know what it feels likes to be this afraid?! I am afraid to wake up in the morning! And I'm afraid to go to sleep at night! And I am afraid to move! To breathe! I am just so scared! And it's all because of you! I hope you're proud, I hope you know that!"

I calmed down, taking a breath. Everyone was quiet. But I wasn't done.

"Do you even care how much pain I have to go through? Do you even notice? I can barely look at myself in the mirror without gagging! I am just that disgusting ! And I'm just so mad. I'm so damn mad that I can't control any of this! That I have no power what so ever! So I do things. Bad things, Danny. Things that will never go away! Because of you! Things that after high school, I'll still be able to look at the scars on my skin and remind myself that I. AM. NOTHING! 'Kill myself'? Kill myself, huh? Really? Never thought of that one. Don't you think I've tried!? But you know what? You're right. I'm just a failure, I can't even succeed at that, now can I? You know what, I hope that when I do gather up my courage again to end it all that you get you're turn. That you feel the pain I felt. All the loneliness I felt. All the hatred. Because once I'm gone, there's no taking what you said back. There's no re-do. Game. Over." I whispered the last part.

I breathed out. He just stared at me. Not saying anything. He was just so stunned. I looked around me. Everyone was. That was when I shook my head, disappointed in more than myself for once, and walked away.