Seeing In Color | Transgender

Chapter 19

He sits beside me again like the older days. I know a dire conversation that should come about, but I am certainly not in the mood to kick start it. I enjoy the silence as a comforting pause and wish to take in as much of it as I can. I won't allow Rylan Malcolm to take that away.

"My Dad isn't Ok with it." He suddenly speaks. 

For a moment I am confused as to what he's talking about but it quickly registers. He didn't have to say much more for me to understand where this was going and what had happened. I immediately understood. It had begin to answer a lot of questions I previously had, making certain things reasonable. Just because it was reasonable doesn't mean it was right, though.

"He kicked me out for a few days, but Adelaide and Zayn weren't having any of it. Now it's just hell." He explains further. I curse myself for not becoming aware of this. My observation skills had slowly lost their meaning when they didn't come to use.

"And Isaiah?" I asked about his older brother. It's the first thing I've responded to him with. This is the first conversation we've had in a while, and I'm already not liking it.

"He can't do anything from College." Rylan settles. Isaiah was in his last year of College to be a teacher, he was an amazing person and even though we've never met, I know he would've accepted Rylan. But, there's not much he could have done, only making the suffering worse.

I then realize that Isaiah and my sister, Rosie, are both the same age and in their last year of College to be teachers. They seem to relate quite a lot in small and large aspects. I slightly wonder if she too would accept me for who I am? Perhaps I could gather up the courage to tell her. That would be a conversation for another time.

"Why?" Rylan's tone of voice made it apparent that he wasn't talking about his brother, he was talking about me. I knew what he was asking me and I knew that of all people he  deserved an answer. He deserved so much more than that, but those were things that a person like me couldn't provide. Although, it was too late now, he was too far in and there was no turning back now.

"I could ask you the same thing." I respond. I know he understands my statement. There was this elephant in the room that neither of us had brought up and here I was, allowing all our anxieties the attention they craved.

"Answer me honestly, Eric. Do you know how much I care?" I feel his eyes on me but I refuse to play along, I knew that if I did I'd break in to so many pieces that not even he could put me back together again.

"Poor choice on your part, really." I knew my statement was harsh and uncalled for, but I couldn't help it. A part of me was suddenly angry for so many reasons and I just wanted someone  to hear me, to know what this kid does to me.

"I beg to differ, because if I didn't, you'd be dead by now." I want to wince at his words and feel the sharp edges slice through my skin, but I can't. I became numb to all around me long ago and slowly I didn't mind it. 

"My statement still stands." I ignore his words. I know this conversation would go far more cleanly if I were to simply cooperate, but I couldn't. I was just so mad  and it made hearing his voice boil the blood in my veins. 

"What  is your problem?" His voice raises as he shoot arrows of emotion to pierce my skin. I can feel him reaching his breaking point as well. The boiling of his blood is evaporating in to this bitter sweet aroma that singes the hairs on my arms. I've reached my breaking point as well, Rylan Malcolm.

I turn to him and look him in the eyes. I realize that both of us have this gloss covering our eyes that threaten to fall down our dry skin, but we've taken no mind to it. Despite the blurry gloss, I can still see his Sun. The shine in his eyes that brighten the world around me and makes it all clear. His eyes are what does it for me. I can't hold back any longer.

"You. You  are my problem, Rylan Malcolm." My voice is strained and I feel the tears silently slip down my cheeks, I don't care anymore, "You're nice and you're funny and considerate and you care and I hate  it. You could do whatever you want, hang out with whomever you want, but don't . You're letting me ruin your Goddamn life and I hate you for it. I hate the way you make me feel. I shouldn't feel this way. I don't deserve  to feel this way but you don't care, you still make me feel . I hate it, Rylan." I can feel a waterfall of silence stream down my cheeks as I can't let anything but words leave my lips. I've muted myself of most everything else and how dare he open my mind once more.

I can see that like myself, some tears have rebelled their way past Rylan's eyes to slide down his sun-kissed skin. He looks oddly beautiful when he cried. The liquid makes his tone sparkle and eyes wave. The flush around his eyes add a rose-like feel to his aurora that smells of summer and spring. He shouldn't look so beautiful when he cries, that's not how it's supposed to work.

"You're wrong, Eric." His voice is so soft and fragile. I feel as if a single vowel would tear his words down and that breaks me inside, "You don't hate that I care." I watch him stand up and I look to him. He's blocking the sun and I feel myself fall cold in the darkness, his words play along, "You hate that you do."

He walks away but I can't look. I'm too busy staring at the blue sky and furthering my vision towards the sun, but I find this difficult. I wish something out there would stop these damn tears from falling down my face, but I know of only one thing that could. And it had walked away with Rylan Malcolm, holding his hand as they left me to pain's comfort.