Seeing In Color | Transgender

Chapter 3

The next day. It's always the next day. Nothing more, nothing less. It's a continuous loop from one day to another and it never stops. I wish I had the power to stop time. This way I could just take a minute, maybe two, and calm down. Take a breather and collect all my thoughts. Maybe sleep to get rid of this everlasting tiredness. But then I realize, my wish will never come true. It could. Potentially. With death. But that's something to consider later.

Instead I walk over to my all too familiar spot. The same spot I sit in every single day. It never changes. Why would it? It's not like I have anywhere else to be. Or that anyone else would want me to move. If I'm not in their way then they could care less. Then again, so could I.

It doesn't take long before he comes lingering over. Perhaps a minute or two. I don't know why he hesitated so long. But, I don't have much experience with this. With friends. If that's what you want to call him.

He doesn't say anything at first. He just sits down beside me. The funny thing is, I don't even have to look up to know it's him. His breathing, his smell, his light shadow, and essence, tells me that it's him. From all the observing I do from the outside I hope to know people by these little things.

"Can I ask you something?" He asks. His voice. Yup, it's him.

When I don't reply he continues on with his question.

"Yeah, nice. So," He clears his throat, "Why'd you cut your hair?" He asks.

It's an odd question I didn't think he'd bother asking. Out of all the random things and behavior I emit, my short hair is what puzzles him the most? That's more than likely a first.

"I don't know, just did." I lie. The thing is, he knows I'm lying. I can tell by the small movements in his shadow from his head, I can tell that he knows. But, he still just nods. Like he understands what I was actually going to say. But, he never could.

"Hey," He adjusts his position and turns to look at me for the first time since we started talking, I don't turn to face him, "Listen, I'm sorry about Danny. What he did was wrong and it was terrible and I just-"

"It's fine." I cut him off. He's silent for a second.

"No. It's not." He whispers, "Why do you act like everything's just 'Fine.'? It's not." He asks me. He's on a roll for questions. I'm not on a roll for answers, but he doesn't seem to care let alone notice.

"How would you prefer I act?" I question what he deems acceptable.

"Like yourself." He answers. He answered wrongly.

"I tried that. We both know where that got me." I mentioned sarcastically. It was almost harsh, perhaps it was. But Rylan didn't care.

"Who cares what other people say?" He replies, and this breaks my heart in two. He either didn't understand and I was wrong, or he was just straight up desperate to help me. Both were pitiful.

"I don't care what people say. I care when what they say causes me to get beat up. That's when I care." I said. This time it was harsh and I know it. I can hear the wince in Rylan's breathing but I don't say any more. I always have more to say but never say it. I've lost my reasoning behind that statement a long time ago.

It's silent. It's only for a moment, but it's moments like these that last a lifetime. I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing and I don't want to waste time pondering on the answer. I already do that enough.

"You're not alone, ya know?" He mentions, his voice soft.

"Sure feels like it." I softly argue back.

"Then let's change that." He suggests. I catch his slip in.

"'Let's.'?" I ask.

"Let's." He repeats.

"Since when are we a...we?" I ask.

"Since this very moment." He announces.

"That's just delightful." I scoff, rolling my eyes.

"Come on, you can't do this stuff alone." He explains.

"Have been for years, a couple more won't make a difference." I argue back.

"Then you won't mind making that difference now? Hmm?" He argued with my logic, and I can't blame him. I would too. If I had that amount of love for myself.

I didn't know how to react. So I stayed quiet. I always stay quiet.