Seeing In Color | Transgender

Chapter 10

It's not hard for me to find myself alone with Nolan. A majority of the time in a single day is consumed up by either my parents working, or going to see my brother in the hospital. He's going through chemo right now and it's hard on everyone, but I've found myself ripping myself away from his presence so I don't get hurt and neither does he. It's not reasonable logic but it's where I've gotten myself today and I'm Ok with that.

I sit in the soft blue cushion of the chair that rocks back and forth like my emotions on a daily basis. I have my arms on my knees as I lean forward, watching Nolan play with his toys. He's so happy by himself that I wonder if he even knows I'm here. Would that even matter?

A sudden ping of anxiety and sadness bangs against the walls of my body as I ask myself if Nolan even cares about me. Of course he does, he's my brother and young and innocent. But, that's the thing. He's young. Is he even old enough to comprehend what I am to him? I just want to be there for him. That's all I want.

"Hey, Noli." I grab the younger boys attention with his familiar nickname. I find myself speaking to him as if I were speaking to Rylan. My voice doesn't go high and I don't speak as if I too were a child. Perhaps I should act more approachable if I want him to trust me, but habits are so hard to break.

Nolan stops what he's doing and looks over to me with that perfect innocent look. His eyes wide and his skin a perfect slight tan. He smiles the second he sees me and I feel myself flutter with importance, it's a feeling only Nolan can give me. 

"Come over here." I wave him over with my hand.

He seems to somehow smile brighter as he manages his way over to me. He's gotten used to walking and using his legs and I'm still proud at simply that, but the thought of him growing up still scares me. Nolan is the one innocent and perfect thing in my life, I don't want to let that go. I don't want him to  go out in to the world, it's a scary place and he deserves only what's best. I just want to go hide and hold him in my arms and never let go. I hope he doesn't let go.

"Are Mommy and Daddy home?" Nolan asks in his young voice. My insides drop as I know the answer won't be to his liking.

"Sorry, bud. They're still helping Jamie." I explain with sympathy written in large letters over my face. I saw Nolan drop his face with sadness and I regretted ever answer the question. I hate to see him sad. I absolutely despise it. I would much rather get beat up by Danny a million times than see my little brother shed a single tear, "Hey, come here."

I say with a teasing voice that fills his lips with happiness as he smiles. I go out and tickle him before grabbing him and swooping him on to my lap. He's giggling and laughing and I could listen to that song alone on repeat for days. I'd hear the needle scratch against the record of memories and play the beautiful melody that is his giggling. 

"I've gotta tell you something, bud." I say to him. He looks at me with interest and desire. He adores our conversations because it makes him feel older than he actually is. I love knowing that I give him that pleasant feeling. 

"What? What is it?" He jumps a little in his lap and I chuckle slightly.

"I'm gonna tell you a secret and you can't tell anyone, Ok?" I put a finger up to my mouth to signal the importance to him. Getting messages across to Nolan was plain and simple. He was so much easier to talk to than anyone I've ever know. Probably because he's an toddler, but not the point.

"I promise. I won't tell anyone!" He jump on the last word with excitement. I feel myself smile at his happiness from a simple sentence.

Suddenly I felt my stomach drop. I've never felt this way before in front of Nolan. Why was I so scared? He's my baby brother. I can tell him everything and he tells me everything. We're best friends and he's my partner in crime. So why is this so difficult? He is literally two years old. This shouldn't be hard.

But I still felt the churn of my stomach and knot beginning to tie against the walls of my throat. I was nervous. I was nervous to tell my baby brother something. Now that I was in the moment and all was clear as to how this roll would play out, I didn't want to go on with it anymore. I wanted to back down and make a joke to hear that joyful giggle leave him once more. But, I had promised Rylan, and I don't break my promises.

"Alright, that's good, buddy. Listen little man, I'm not actually your sister, I'm your brother. There's no 'a' at the end of my name." I said as simple and plain as I could, how all our conversations went. I saw confusion flash over his eyes and fear flooded mine.

"Does Mommy know?"

"Nope."

"Does Daddy know?"

"Uh-uh."

"Does Jamie know?"

"No."

"Does Rosie know?"

"She does not."

"But I know?"

I nodded my head to him and felt myself go blank once again. I wasn't exactly sure how to respond to his reaction and didn't know what to take from it. I was scared. I was scared because of my little brother. That wasn't right. None of this was right. I had made a mistake. Perhaps I could-

He started to smile. He smiled that bright smile that could take whatever flashing channel of sadness turn off and play a DVD of non-stop love. He plays the songs over and over again in my head as I soon felt myself smile as well. He hadn't even said anything yet, but I was happier than I have ever felt in my life. Only Nolan could do that.

"I'll keep your secret safe, don't worry, Eric." He said his words slowly and surely.

That meant a lot. Sometimes when Nolan speaks too much his words become slurred and he begins to develop a lisp. It's hard to understand him when he's upset or happy sometimes. He knew this. So he spoke slowly and made sure I knew what he was saying. 

"Thanks, Nolan." I whispered to him with a smile.

He happily jumped off my lap and began to play again. But I didn't stop smiling. All these years I had felt myself start to drown inside myself so I held my breath. I turned blue and began to float away in the darkness. I refused to open my mouth. But the smile upon my face changed me. I breached the surface for once and changed. I had never felt so...alive.

Thank you, Rylan Malcolm, for allowing me to breathe again.