Signs And Wonders

A little bit about me

Most people, when they look at me, they see another broken, burnt out kid from Western Sydney, with no real hope, because he had no drive.

And before, that would have been an accurate assessment, I found things hard at school, between bullying, family tension and the need for acceptance, to me there really was no hope.

There was no one person, who I was close with, that I could share my pains with, so I bottled them up, letting them fill, until they inevitably erupted, in a violent burst of anger and upset. I had friends, but I hid away from them, I had family, but I didn't want to seem weak in front of them.

Truly, I had thought myself as lost.
That was until, the new kid came to school. Wearing a superman snap back, I instantly wanted to start a conversation.

What I like superheroes?

It was then that I had met someone, who would make a major impact on my life. My new friend and I, we grow close in a rapid amount of time, in maths, listening to heavy metal and rap, we became best friends in the space of a week.

Brothers even, we stayed at each other's house, we got in trouble together, played games and even went to parties together. To me, it was great, to others, it was a red flag.

Not only did I find acceptance, through a friend, but I had also found myself doing things that, I would normally not do. I started stealing, drinking and smoking pot, while I should have been in class.

I sought after the things that I thought, maybe people will like me, if I did this.

I was wrong. It only added to the seed of depression and anxiety that was left there by all the bullying. I started hurting myself, and bragging to my friend about the amount of blood on the shower floor, and the amount of cuts on my leg.

Then came the girl. To whom, my best friend fell in love with, almost immediately.

This girl, she was cool, the talented singer, emo girl, who had a dark past that everyone was interested in.

Shortly, she started dating my friend, and things changed. My best friend, had a girlfriend, and she soon took priority. But we were all still close, we formed a band, a really bad band, but we played one gig, then broke up.

We started to go further into this cycle of smoking, drinking and stealing. All to be accepted, until one day, I had just a little bit too much.

I was hospitalized, intoxicated, during school hours, it was soon common knowledge why I didn't show up to period four drama.

That's, when the switch came. To save themselves from the trouble, I received messages, telling me that I've done terrible things, and accusing me of things I never did.

I was told, that if I take the blame, they won't say anything. So, I did. And did it only make things worse.

Fast forward a week, and I'm so overwhelmed with heaviness and anguish that I want to end it all, just step out in front of a bus, one swift movement.

But I couldn't do it. And so, my failed attempt, I headed to the school library, where I saw our school captain, and a friend from my art class talking, so I joined them. And before you knew it I was opening to these people, who I wasn't close with.

I showed them my scars, and they continued talking about church. Which hit me, "what if I needed church?" A religion would help me.

Another week later; I'm leaving work, I stole a cigarette and I take two puffs and I start feeling sick.

Heavy, depressed and suicidal, I caught my bus home, and broke down. I was in tears once more. Embarrassing because I'm in public.

So I type an apology letter, to my step mum, my friends and my Mum, because of everything I was doing. And I sent it to the friend from my art class.

I made first contact with destiny.

My friend replied, she told me that a religion won't help me. Which confused me. "Isn't church religion?"

Then she explained that, it's relationship with Christ, that will help me, and I was curious. And so she invited me to a youth night, and I hesitantly said "yes."

Fast forward another week, I'm waiting nervously out the front of my townhouse in St Mary's. My phone rings, it's my friend, telling me that they're waiting for me. A person I wasn't that close with, and two strangers picked me up, and escorted me to eternity.

Awkward and scared, I made my way through the house, say hello's, my name and every other formality, but mostly staying quiet.

The night starts, and I sit there bored, quiet and unsure. But there is something tugging at my heart. A warm feeling, a hopeful feeling, I wanted more.

The end of the night arrives, and we stand in a circle, the leader goes around asking one by one, what we got from the night. I was praying that he wouldn't turn to me, at least I thought I was.

Then he says, "So, Angus, what did you get."

Silence for a moment, as I hold back my answer.

I stutter out, "home.", before I burst into tears.

I was so overwhelmed by that warm feeling, that I couldn't hold it in. A leader stood out, walked to me and asked me if I had Jesus, in my life.

"No." I said, as I stood there, a horrible, mess of tears and ugly crying.

To which everyone prayed with me, so many strange people with their hands on my shoulder. Praying for me.

I accepted Jesus, and for the first time in a long time, I experienced freedom.

It is this freedom, that I experienced, that empowers me, to share with so many other people, the goodness and mercy of God. The love of God, is so thick, and powerful, that it is undeniable, when you enter into it.

So as you read, take in that experience, feel the heart of God, and enjoy the goodness of the father.

- Angus Graham.