Signs And Wonders

The baptism and return

When I was younger, I had always been in trouble, because I had an impulse to lie, whenever I was in trouble. Lie. Whenever I had done something I shouldn't have. Lie. It was so ingrained into me, that I would lie, even after I was saved. If anything, they had gotten worse. Because I would still be trying to accommodate the old me. The broken, hurting me. I hadn't turned over, my everything to the Father.

And so it was, I had caught myself in a lie, so elaborate, that it had involved four or five other lies, to support it. I was stuck in a mess. I was tangling myself up, deeper and deeper into this mess, because I was too scared to deal with the truth of the situation. 

And so, I got caught. My parents had found out that I was, lying about my money, about what i did with a phone, about the food i ate, about what i did at school, during free periods.

And it was a continuous cycle. I had constantly provided my family with more and more reasons to distrust me. 

Until one day, my Dad, had enough of my lies, because I had brought my little sister into it. I had encouraged her to lie, to protect me. Thinking about it now, I think what a pathetic excuse for a brother I was. To use my little sister as a shield. 

And so, I was told to go and stay at my Mum's house, until things had calmed down, and so I did. But i carried around, such a heavy burden, such a weight around with me, because I had let my family down. I had disappointed those who were there for me, no matter what. 

And so, for three weeks, I was at my Mum's house, not speaking to my Dad, out of shame, embarrassment and guilt, for the lies that I told. 

Over those three weeks, I put my brave face on, I pretended that I was okay, I pretended that I wasn't hurting like I was, around those at school, at church. I was lying to everyone about how I was doing.

I read my bible for hours on end, just searching for some kind of answer on how to fix this situation, but I looked in the wrong places, I looked in the wrong part of the bible. SO i started to doubt, because I didn't know where to look. 

And so, I get a message, off of my pastor, that we have water baptisms coming up, and she asked me if i wanted to be baptised, and I was confused, I didn't know anything about water baptism. Didn't my parent's do that when I was a kid?

But, I said yes. 

I said yes, to Christ, and I knew that somehow, water baptism might change my situation, because It would be me, completely and totally, immersing myself in Christ. Totally covered.

So the day came. 

And I wasn't prepared. I slept in, and woke up to ten missed calls, from the leader who was picking me up. I jumped out of bed, rapidly, texting my apology, collecting my things and running out the door. 

I ran out the door, of my townhouse and down the long driveway. The yellow houses passing me by, as I sprinted to the car. I get to the car and get in, and apologise, constantly and without stopping. 

And so, we headed off, she started the car, and drove me to our pastors house. I don't remember what we spoke about on the way, but I know, that it wasn't about what was really going on inside me. What was really happening. But I went into the house. I sat down, next to my friends, and the other members as we began to share our testimony, and why we are where we are. 

I couldn't really, finish sharing without tearing up a little, because of the hurt that reminded me of my past. 

I felt trapped by my past. But I listened. And we prayed. I sat next to my friend G, and we started to talk a little bit, I wasn't that close, at this point to him. But looking at where I am now, It's not hard to call him my brother.

And so, we were called out the back. One by one, we were being baptised, In total, it was five of us being baptised. I stepped into the pool, wearing black skinny jeans, and a singlet. And my pastor asked me to crouch a little, so she could reach my forehead properly. 

And about a minute of standing there, I went under. 

It was only a minute, but it felt like hours. It felt so long, because I could feel, everything that stopped me, that hurt me, coming off. Everything in me that hurt, I could feel, leaving me, coming out. 

I resurfaced, and took my first baptised breath, refocused and saw the others around me, applauding me.

It was an incredible feeling. The ones around me that I didn't really know, were standing in support, and the ones that I was closer with, were also there.

We prayed once more, and I got changed into dry clothes.

That's when the phone call came. 

The vibration in my pocket, I pulled out my phone, and the one name, I wasn't expecting to appear.

Dad.

I was scared, had my Dad finally forgiven me, was he going to yell at me, I didn't know what I should do. So i picked up. 

"Hello" The first word that came out. 

"Angus, why haven't you called me?"

I felt trapped. I knew that I should have spoken to him, But i spent the last three weeks, just sitting and dwelling in this hurt and pain.

As we spoke, I could hear that my Dad wanted to speak to me, to see me. He loves me, he wants me to be able to come to him in the hurt, and I didn't do that. I felt like I disappointed him again.

"I want you to come home, I miss you, and I love you."

At these words, I began to tear up.

I didn't deserve this, I hurt him. but he still loves me. 

I broke into tears and I couldn't step back inside. That was until the girl who prayed for me stepped out to talk to me. She could see me in tears and I couldn't even speak about the phone call. 

But she offered me a hug, and in that time. A hug, is all it takes.

You can be the toughest, strongest or the roughest person in the world. But no matter what, in your moment of need, a hug can do amazing things. The hug of a friend, the hug of someone who you know cares, the hug of a father, of a mother, a sister or even a stranger. 

And that's what this hug did for me. It gave me a sense of peace in the storm. 

And so, later that evening I returned home. My Dad and my step mum watching TV, and I come in. I'm quiet as i step in. They look at me and my Dad stands up. He looks at me, and asks why I wasn't there sooner. 

I looked at him in the eyes.

"Dad, I've just been baptised today."

The sudden change on my Dad's face as he hugged me. I started to tear up again. I was home, I was back in the place, that I knew love was. 

You see, no matter how far you, no matter how much you mess up, screw up or run away, the father's arms are always open, you may be holding onto so much shame and guilt that you can't even talk to the father without feeling guilty.

But He is always there. And I want to encourage you. If you are in that place, where you feel like you can't step back. Then turn to the father. 

Immerse yourself in his love. In his presence, and let the love of God flow through you, completely changing you from the inside out.