Blue (The Spectrum Series: #3)

Chapter Sixteen

The next morning I'm not surprised to wake up to the side of the bed where Blue was empty. I know it was ultra-naïve of me to think he would change his mind and want more than sexual flings and be the first thing I opened my eyes to. But I couldn't help but think he felt just the tiniest bit of electricity I felt last night; from the gentle and possessive way he held me, to how he stared into my eyes, I felt wanted and safe in his arms. I felt like it was the start of us, but I felt wrong. I can only blame myself the ache in my chest. I saw it coming. He's told me numerous times he doesn't date or want anything remotely serious with me. We're just friends.

But since when do friends touch each other like that?

I hate him. I really, really do. I hate how I felt at peace in his arms as I fell asleep to his steady breathing, against his body. I hate how he was uncharacteristically playful and showed me a side of himself I doubt he'd ever shown anyone else. I hate how he showed me an otherworldly sensation, and how he just left before I even had the chance to wake up. What I hate most of all is that he didn't once promise it mean anything more, or that he might think about more for me, for us, because he just wants me like I want him.

Yet... I don't hate him as much as I hate myself. I knew letting him touch me and kiss me and stay in bed with me would propel my feelings for him. Feelings I didn't even truly recognize until now. I was too afraid to admit them in fear of this, heartbreak. I thought if we did have any kind of friendship, they would fade away and I could escape how he makes me feel, but, unfortunately feelings don't work that way. Having feelings for someone is like being in a maze you can only escape once you feel every emotion there is.

Swiping away the tears in my eyes, feeling like the biggest fool there is, I sit up. I feel a breeze through the lower half of my body. I'm still bare and my cheeks burn at the memory of his hands wandering my body and whispering my name. I bite the skin bridging between my thumb and index finger, getting lost in the passionate memory before I can help myself. A few minutes pass with me like this, naked under my waist and reminiscent of one stupid night I can't even enjoy without feeling the heaviness in my heart.

Annoyed and a little disgusted at my masochist thoughts, I stand up and hurry to get undressed. I snag the robe I brought off the back of the door and slide it on. It's seven in the morning so the bathroom should be relatively empty. I skip out on my morning jog just for today. I'm just not feeling like myself. I hope whatever pathetic limbo I'm in will pass quickly, I need to be myself again. I need to forget about Blue and just do what I came here to do.

I shower for an entire hour until the water gets too cold to stand under. I cringe when I look in the mirror as I brush my teeth. My eyes are red and beyond puffy from crying in the shower. A girl using the sink next to me looks at me, concerned and sympathetic. I feel so pitiful that I quickly wash out my mouth and scurry out of the co-ed bathroom.

I've never been that girl that cries over some boy because she got lost in dreamland and thought he'd change for her just like that. Heck, I've sympathized for girls like that in high school. They'd stumble into class wearing all black and a hoodie and act emotionless and totally fine. But during lunch they'd be sobbing into their friends' shoulders and dart into bathrooms, mascara streaking down their faces and storming out of bathroom stalls, sharpie in their hands after defacing the stall walls with their beau's name.

I used to feel for those girls and discreetly shake my head, wondering how they could get that wrapped up in some guy's finger that wouldn't mean anything to them way in the future when they have their college education and families of them own. He'd be a miniscule blip in her past as she strived in her future. And here I am, crying over a guy I knew didn't want me. I refuse to let him affect me this much. I'm way stronger than this.