Strangers

"I'll think of you every day"

The airport felt hostile. Kristian's surroundings were disturbing him, they were all too much, in a way, feeling more crowded than before. 

They walked with their heads down, hoods and sunglasses covering their faces. They stopped before the check-in. 

"Well," Kostya said. "I guess this is it."

Kristian nodded, and gave Kostya a tight hug, burying his head into Kostya's shoulder.

"Stay safe, honey," he whispered. "I'll think of you every day." He gave Kostya a discreet kiss on the cheek. They had been dating for months now, yet Kristian still got uncomfortable showing affection to his boyfriend in public. 

Kostya let go before Kristian felt ready, although, when thinking closer about it, Kristian would never have let Kostya go if he could.

Kostya pressed his lips together, took a deep breath, and went into the airport with his team, leaving Kristian alone. He stood there, watching them leave until he could barely make out where they were. His body was tense.

He felt as if he was going to puke. The sounds, the lives of everyone else around, their eyes and opinions, the feeling of being suffocated, the everything, it was too overwhelming. He ran into the nearest toilet, slamming the bathroom door shut.

His breaths were becoming shorter, each one more desperate for air than the last. His body felt too small for him, suffocating him. He focused on breathing normally, counting seconds between each breath, thinking of calm times, remembering song lyrics, counting things that were blue, doing all the things that were supposed to calm him down. 

It felt like it was never going to end, but it did, after what felt like hours. He felt nauseous and feverish, and extremely exhausted. He might as well have blacked out on the toilet right away. With shaky knees he stood up, went out of the toilet, and splashed his face with water. He stared at his reflection. His eyes were red and his face puffy, and he looked as drained as he felt.

***

Kristian felt hollow, like a shell. The music on the taxi's radio was white noise for him as he watched the city fly past him - nothing could make an imprint on him now.

Kristian missed Russia and Bulgaria - much more than he'd like to admit. Moving to Kiev had been Kostya's idea, and Kristian had just done it because he wanted Kostya to be happy. Back then, he never thought of consequence.

Those days had been so perfect. Everything was painted in a hazy rose color for them, the beauty of newborn love. But the paint was chipping at its edges; the love was fading. They were falling apart, losing what they had. They slept in the same bed, but Kristian had never felt more distanced from anyone before. Something had happened, things weren't as they were - and Kristian couldn't figure out what it was.

He had considered asking Kostya about this, of course. But every time he began his sentences, the words got stuck in his throat. Kostya was so busy with his tour and album, and Kristian just wanted to support him, not be another burden on his boyfriend's shoulders. It was better to just pretend - for now.

Kristian sighed. The cold autumn air made the car windows foggy, and Kristian drew a heart on the condense, then scribbling over it.

"Eurovision star Mélovin just landed in Odessa, and will begin his Europe tour there!" the car radio announced. "The concert will begin at midnight, and we have high hopes. He is also working on a new album, and you're going to hear his newest song right here, right now."

Kristian closed his eyes. The music calmed him, and Kostya's voice felt relaxing, almost as if he was there with him in person.

We're not just bodies you hide
Under the groun-de
We're not the flowers you cut
So you look lovely
You can't just do what you want
Without the consequence

The taxi had arrived at home before the chorus could begin. Kristian went out and slammed the door shut, before running up to the stairs of their apartment.

It smelled of spicy perfume and pancakes, it smelled of earth and licorice; it smelled like them, and it smelled of Kostya, and it made Kristian's eyes brim with tears, his body trembling before finally collapsing on the floor and letting all his emotions out.

Hot tears were streaming down his cheeks when he heard his cellphone ring in the distance.