Strangers

"Are you okay?"

"Hello?"

Kristian's voice was faint and hoarse. Kostya knew he didn't have time to call, but...

"Hi, Kristian. I... just wanted to let you now I arrived safely."

Silence.

"Is anything wrong?" Kostya asked. "You are so quiet."

"I... its nothing."

"Please, Kristian."

"I just miss you. Already. You haven't even been gone for a day and I feel like I'm going to die." Kristian's voice cracked, and he sounded so... in pain. It broke Kostya's heart.

"Did anything happen?"

"I had a panic attack. Right after you left. And I feel really sad right now. All I want is for you to hug me, but then I realize you aren't here, and I begin crying even more..."

Kostya was crying too.

"I'm so sorry for you. If I can do anything..."

"Just talk to me. Please." His voice was soaked in pain.

"I love you, Kristian. You know that. I will always be here. You are important. You are loved. You are beautiful. You're not alone."

"Thank you."

Both ends of the line were silent.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Not much, but it was lovely hearing your voice. I'm sorry for bothering you. I hope your show goes well. I love you."

Kostya's voice was flat. "I love you too."

***

He stared at the roof of his hotel room. The quiet was unbearable. It made too much room for his thoughts, and once they appeared, it was hard to get out of them.

The concert had been amazing. All the people, all the music, all the enthusiasm - Kostya had loved it, and let himself get covered in it. It didn't stop him from thinking about Kristian, though. It exhausted him. Kostya couldn't do anything about Kristian's issues, so why was he so worried about them?

Two sharp knocks on his door, and Artem entered. 

"How are you?" he asked.

"good." Kostya's voice made Artem look puzzled.

"just good?"

"yeah."

Artem dumped down on Kostya's bed.

"Anything interesting up in that roof?"

Kostya laughed, but it was faint and lifeless.

"No. Just thinking."

Artem laid down on his back next to Kostya.

"Did something happen? You can tell me everything, you know."

Artem was his best friend, of course he could tell him everything.

"It's Kristian. He - he isn't feeling so well. I thought he was handling the situation nicely, he was the most calm of us before I left, but just before the show he called me, hysterical and crying."

Artem didn't answer, but it didn't stop Kostya from continuing. 

"I just don't know what to do. He asks me for help, as if I can help him. Does he realize I'm not a therapist? How am I supposed to treat Kristian's problems if I can't handle my own?"

Finally Artem spoke.

"Have you been okay? Recently?"

"No." A tear fell down his cheek. "not really."

"Why? The tour?"

"Well, of course. And just knowing that Kristian won't wake up next to me every day... It's harder than I thought."

It was silent for a while.

"is there anything else, Kostya?"

Should he say it? Kostya was debating in his head.

"Kristian and I... we aren't like we used to be. I have considered breaking up with him. Several times, but I can't, cause I know he depends on me and needs me. He'll break if I end it with him."

Artem sat up.

"Why would you break up with Kristian? You two seem so... perfect. Two months ago you said he was your true match, your soul mate, your second half."

"Well, things change, okay?" Kostya snapped. "I am tired of pretending to be fine and perfect and wonderful! I am tired of pretending with everyone, even with my lover! Kristian is not perfect, he is the most selfish and childish person I've met! He constantly asks too much of me and depends on me. He's all like: Kostya, I miss you so much! Kostya, my life is so difficult! Kostya, I am going through a hard time, can you please love me and hold me and never let me go? Does it ever occur to him that I am not constantly okay either? I feel like I am going to explode! When was the last time he cared for me?"

Artem faced him. 

"Kostya, you're tired and overdramatic, I'm sure that if you sleep it through -"

"No, Artem! I've tried calming myself down, but he damn well deserves to know he isn't some pure and perfect angel!"

Artem broke him off.

"Kostya, do you want my advice or not?"

Kostya just stared at him. Was Artem stupid?

"I think you are just going through a rough patch now. You aren't new romantics anymore, and reality is entering your love. But that doesn't mean the love isn't there. I just think you need to talk it through. Kristian is younger than you, and he can't know how to treat you if you never tell him how you feel. Besides, this is really not a good time to break up with him."

Kostya sighed. He knew Artem was right. 

"Alright."