1,000 ways to say goodbye

Finding out

I want a song.... not something sweet and positive. But not something sour and negative. But something I can listen to when I'm sad and be happy, and something I can listen to when I'm happy but be slightly sad. Does that make sense? I bet no one can do that. The closest I've ever gotten to my wish was john Lennons "Let it Be". it's not happy but painful and not sad but bubbly. It speaks of how when a person breaks your heart, or the world is being unfair, you heart to just calm down and let it be. It's as simple as that.

My mom showed it to me when I was younger. That was when I found out I had ocular. She showed it to me, because even though when life isn't fair we just need to let it be and let God take care of it. I remeber sitting in the horribly smelling hospital room, she plugged in her blue bombshell speaker and playded it. Thats kind of when my obbsession with musicc started. But I could never find what I was looking for. It wasn't all fun and games at first, all the operations. But when they found out I had leukemia, my dad left us. It's only my mom and me. We're fine since she's a famous writer and college teacher but I still want my dad around. I'm an only child, which sucks cause of course the only child my.parents have has leukemia and melanoma.

My dad married a 25 year old, and he's 46. Angelina is.almost the same age as me and I'm supposed to call her mom? yea no way. She just had a little girl named Lea. She looked a lot Angelina and nothing like my dad. they moved out of Michigan and moved to California, and I haven't seen them since.  I email them back and forth but not as much anymore. The same old questions come up every time we talk. How's therapy? Has your hair grown? Do you want to visit? How was your birthday? and so on and so fourth. My dad doesn't understand that I might be looking my sense of sight in about a year or so. I've told him a million times but all he cares about is his stupid life. I might not have a life after Christmas but whatever, maybe lea won't be as messed up as me.

any who,  I just finished chemo therapy about a year ago. They don't know if my leukemia will come back, but I just don't want to go through the whole debacle of looking my hair again. I just got it to about as long as it can get so it can touch my ear just a little. my blond hair sticks out unless I wear my beanie, which is almost every time I go out of my house.

I usually don't leave the house unless it's to go and see my family, see my doctor for weekly shots, or to go and run some errands with my mom. But through the day it's just the usual things: wake up, take 3 pills, brush my teeth, eat, homework for collage, take 4 more pills, eat, shots, reality T.V (pretty little liars mostly), take 3 more pills, eat then go to bed.
It's not a fun life but it's a start.

When I was little, nobody knew I had ocular cancer or lukemia. The doctors said it might be a possibility for me to have either. But my parents werent as worried about it becasue I would go into the doctors to get a shot every week. Just like I do now. When my cousin and I were at the park, we were around 6 or 7, my parents sitting at the picnic blanket laughing at who knows what. Lacy and I were planning on going on a really big slide, so as usual she went 1st. But when I went, I fainted at the bottom. I dont even remeber getting off the little drop off at the end. Becasue I hadent woken up for 15 minutes the quickley called the ambulane. And just like that, my life changed forever. They call me the mystery. becasue I never onced showed fear when I would wake up in the morning and suddenly be blind. Also Lukimia doesnt do well with girls like me, girls with determination, or dignity. When I first went to the hospital, I was in sort of like a coma, where I couldnt move but hear. I remeber little things like the cliking of tenis shoes on the tile ground. Or the heart rate monitor go slowly down. But one thing I will remeber clear as day, when the took me off the stretcher, and the heart rate went down to just simple taps, I was scared. Probably the only time I was scared. But one of the ladies leaned close to my ear and said, " You can leave, but if you have any fight left in your little body, use it now.".... and in just 3 weeks I was normal. well not normal normal but, well... you know.

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Hi!!! How are You??? This book is going to be EXTREMLY sad so dont cry about her little story yet.  I got my insperation from a little girl at church. She was so sweet. Pray for her plz:*)

Sorry this chapter was so short I have another book, which if you could read that, that would be awesome! Ok well byeee

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~morden_hunter~