Lost Ones(Urban Thug Love)

IV

IV

Mystery

After the dinner with Jayceon, I went straight to sleep because my anxiety was over powering me.

I can't believe Jayceon would go for a girl like me. A girl like me? With a boy like him?

You can't blame me for having my doubts.

Boys these days don't even like darkskin girls. For whatever reason. So you can't blame me for thinking the way I do.

If I can't love myself, how would I let him love me?

All these thoughts in my mind caused me to have a mini anxiety attack.

I fell on the floor of my room and shook until I eventually calmed down. And I just stayed there.

*the next morning*

I woke up on the floor with my back hurting.

What happened last night? I completely blacked out after that anxiety attack. But I didn't fall asleep.

I stripped my clothes and went into the steaming hot shower. The water stung my body but a little more than it should have.

I looked down at my arm and flinched.

I blacked out last night. I didn't know what I was doing.

I ran my fingers over the deep cuts and sighed. I cut myself without even knowing it. My sub conscious must really hate me too.

After I got out of the shower I put on my skin toning lotion and dressed in my under garment looking for an outfit.

I decided to wear very very ripped pants with a see through black jersey and platform sneakers.

Honestly, I don't really dress colorful. I usually just wear black, white or grey.

If you look deeper into it you would realize that my dressing matches my feelings. Black, white and grey. Dull, lifeless and depressed.

I got into my car and sped off to school.

The same routine everyday. All the ratchets in one group, the ballers and dope boys, the classy and rich and the invisibles. Me. I finally figured out where I fit in.

I mean I'm not completely invisible, I have more than a couple of friends. I just don't associate myself in the drama that they're always in.

I'm trying to get my school work done and get the hell out here. I don't come to school to entertain anyone's rumors about me.

I made my way to first period gym and cringed as I remembered what happened last time.

Like always, I changed into my gym clothes and used a headband to cover my new scars.

"Today we will be having a free period. Do whatever you like but you will loose points if you don't do anything." My gym teacher said.

I mentally sighed in relief. I don't want to go through dodge ball again.

For the next 35 minutes I sat down in the bleachers talking to Asia about random shit.

Asia is a really beautiful girl. She has nice silky hair that's right past her shoulders, pretty smooth light skin that I often envy and perfect straight teeth.

She often gets a lot of male attention, unlike me.

Asia is a person I'd like to call a close friend. She's not my best friend, but she's close to that.

My best friend? You'll meet her later.

The remaining 5 minutes were of me going back into the locker room and changing.

I waited until everybody left so I could be alone. I slowly walked up to the mirror in the locker room and just stared.

Why do I hate myself? Is it my dark skin? My dark eyes? My mini gap in my teeth?

My big nose, long lips, irregular eyebrows?

Before I knew it I was on the floor crying.

Pull it together Mystery.

Don't let them see you cry.

Jayceon

I didn't come to first period today because I was making a drop. But at least I came to school in the first place.

Being a dope boy is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have goals and ambitions. I want to own a clothing like business one day.

I want to be an entrepreneur. A business man. I want to have a legal job.

As I walked in the hallway I got many stares from girls but barely paid attention to them.

"Nigga you got hella bitches." My friend Damion said as I walked up to my locker.

It's ignorant shit like this that makes me not want to talk to so many people.

"Girls you mean?" I corrected him.

"Girls, bitches, same thing. But aye check that fine red bone staring at you. I think her name Tasha." He continued.

All these categories, redbone, yellowbone, lightskin whatever really just divides black people even more.

"Cool. I'm gonna head to second period catch you later." I said walking off. As I walked off to Entrepreneur Class I spotted a small figure walking down the hallway with her head down.

"Mystery." I said as I walked up to her. She kept her head down and arms to her side.

I pulled her in a secluded corner and pulled her chin up so I could see her beautiful face.

Damn, it hurts me to know that she doesn't see what I, and probably everybody else sees.

I looked into her dark brown eyes and my heart dropped.

She looked so sad and broken..and I can't help her.

"Tell me what's wrong." I demanded.

"I don't know.." She croaked out.

I picked up her left arm that was glued to her side and rolled her sleeve up.

"You did this to yourself?" I asked her.

"I wasn't conscious...I blacked out." She whispered.

"What happened last night after I left?" I raised my voice.

"Nothing, I just had another attack. That's all." She said like it wasn't a big deal.

She pulled her arm away from my grasp and looked back down.

"We will talk about this after school but you need to know, I can't help you unless you want to be helped."

Mystery

Sad, broken, angry is what I feel at the moment.

Of course I want to be helped! I don't want to stay like this for the rest of my life.

It's not my fault I'm like this. It's not my fault society brainwashed me into making me think I'm ugly.

It's not my fault.

My scars shouldn't define who I am..

It's not my fault I'm not pretty.

Very emotional chapter for me...

Can anyone relate?

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