I often said that the only way that you'd ever find me hanging around Luca Donahue, was if there was a loaded gun pointed at my head. For three years I actually meant it. I meant it right up until my best friend started ditching me and forcing Luca...
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The world is built on two words: "What if?" What if me and Luca had stayed friends? What if I hadn't met Rainn? What if my life had turned out the way that I'd always envisioned? What if? What if? What if?
Life is filled with what ifs and if you let yourself get sucked into the pity fest, you'll start to question everything. I've lost countless hours that I'll never get back, by just going through all my What ifs, and it has never helped. I end up getting angry or sad and then not only would I have lost hours, I'd have also gained a crappy mood-let to add to my day.
But, one particular series of "what ifs?" haunts me. What if me and Luca had stayed friends? What if I'd fought for our friendship? What if I hadn't let it bring me down and alter my entire demeanor from then onwards? And what if I let him in again?
I think about the last what if while I watch him load our suitcases into the back of his Jeep and when he smiles at me and asks if I'm ready, I'm not so sure that I want to.
The drive to school is quiet. The radio hums softly the entire way and I just enjoy the peacefulness of it all. Unlike most kids my age, I'm a bonafide morning person and so is Luca.
Back when we were still best friends, we'd both be up at the crack of dawn during the summers every single day, because I'd convinced Luca that we'd have much longer days and twice the fun if we got started early and we'd never been disappointed.
Luca doesn't try to talk to me and I'm happy for the reprieve. It's bad enough being in a confined space with each other and I eagerly await our stop.
When we get to school, I look at all the miserable faces of my classmates and inwardly smile. At least with everyone else being groggy, the five-hour bus ride should be silent for the first hour.
I collect my suitcase from Luca and thank him before making my way over to my assigned bus to get it put away. I spot Rainn as soon as I get there, and I offer her a smile.
Her face lights up and she comes over to hug me. "I was so scared that you would've ignored me," she says with a nervous laugh.
"I wanted to, but since you are my seat buddy, it would've made for an awkward journey." Her face falls and I tilt my head to the side. "Let me guess, you're sitting with Jace instead."
"I'm sorry. I thought that you were mad at me and I didn't want to have to deal with that the entire time, so I switched." She bites her bottom lip while waiting for me to blow up on her.
I laugh in disbelief, but really, I wasn't even all that surprised. "Okay," I say and join the line to stow my luggage. A lump forms in my throat and it physically hurts to keep my tears at bay. I'm not huge on crying, so I'm scared that I won't be able to get my emotions under wraps. I'm mad at myself for getting my hopes up and when I'm mad at myself, my emotions are unpredictable.
I take a window seat at the back of the bus and hug my backpack to my chest. My backpack that's filled with mine and Rainn's favorite snacks. I get mad all over again, because how dare she ditch me for her stupid boyfriend in the middle of our fight?
