I often said that the only way that you'd ever find me hanging around Luca Donahue, was if there was a loaded gun pointed at my head. For three years I actually meant it. I meant it right up until my best friend started ditching me and forcing Luca...
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It takes me two weeks to talk to Rainn again and by then, it feels too weird. We're sitting side by side on the bleachers after school and pretending not to notice how awkward it is. I flick my hoodie onto my head to give myself something to do, just as Rainn turns to look at me.
"How've you been?" She asks this with a nervous smile.
"Good. You?" Truth is, I've missed her. I do nothing when I get home besides homework and think about what a mess my life is now.
"Not so good."
I look at her and although there's nothing comedic about that, she laughs and I laugh along with her. "I'm sorry," I say when we've sobered up. "It was mean of me to shut you out like that."
"It was," she agrees but she's wearing a smile that says that all is forgiven. "I deserved it. I'm sorry too."
"How was the rest of your trip?" It stings to ask because I know that my withdrawal didn't help any.
"Sucked." She gives me a sad smile. "I really, really missed you."
"Ditto," I say and put my arms around her.
We sit like this for I don't know how long and then Rainn says, "Luca's a wreck, B." I stiffen and she takes my hand. "Don't hate me for saying this, but I think that talking to him will benefit you both."
I stare out onto the track where a few kids are running laps and imagine Luca having as hard a time as me and I can't help but smile. Despite how sad the situation is, the thought of him being up at night, tortured by his thoughts, calms me. I turn to Rainn and she's giving me a weird look. "What?"
"Gonna talk to him or just take comfort in his misery?"
She knows me too well. "I don't know. I don't know that there's anything to say to Luca." I shrug. "It's a lost cause, me and him."
"You know that he loves you, right?"
I shake my head. I don't want to think about Luca and associate anything about him with love. "He almost destroyed me, Rai. There's no love there, just a boatload of hurt."
"But—"
"No."
"B, he does."
"No," I say more forcefully. "He doesn't get to love me after what he's done. That's not how it works. He doesn't get to rip my heart to shreds and when I've finally put myself back together, come around again. He doesn't get to break my heart twice."
She let's go of my hand when I remove my arm from around her. "I still think that you should talk to him." My face hardens and I give her a warning look, but she ignores it. "At least hear him out and if after all's said, you still want to let it go, then I'll leave it alone."
"Why can't you leave it alone now?" I can already feel myself getting angry. "We're barely back on speaking terms and you're already out to ruin it. Fuck, Rainn."
