I often said that the only way that you'd ever find me hanging around Luca Donahue, was if there was a loaded gun pointed at my head. For three years I actually meant it. I meant it right up until my best friend started ditching me and forcing Luca...
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I scoff to mask the fact that Luca has completely blown me away and as my eyes fill, I turn away from him.
I didn't know why I'd expected a different outcome. Maybe it was because we were talking and laughing and although it wasn't quite like old times, at least we were having a good time. Maybe it was the way that he made my heart do somersaults and even when I tried to fight it, his smile bore its way into the tiniest of its cracks. I don't know, maybe I just didn't want to face the hurt just yet.
"The way that things ended... it wasn't my intention to hurt you like that." He runs his fingers through his hair and they stick out awkwardly, making him look even cuter.
I'm appalled that this is what my brain registers although I'm seriously pissed off at him.
"Letting you go was and will always be my biggest regret." He scans my face and I maintain a stoic look although my emotions are tearing me up. "I don't have a good enough reason for what I did to our friendship that will make you forgive me, but if you could just hear me out, I'll try my best to make you understand why I did it."
I didn't want to understand. I wanted to hit him and scream in his face about all of the pain that he's caused me, but something in the way that he's looking at me makes me reconsider my choices and I stay put and clamp my mouth shut.
He searches my face for I don't know what and then seemingly satisfied, he launches into his spiel. "A lot was happening that year. My parents had started the first of their fights and it was eating me up. I should've just come to you. I see that now, but at the time I thought that it was something that I had to deal with alone and then the more time that I spent away from you— that you didn't ask what was wrong, the more I resented you."
I wince at his words. The only reason that I hadn't bugged him when he'd started being distant was because I was giving him time to come to me. Hearing him say that I should've reached out sooner, stings and I want to cry, but don't dare.
He reaches for my hand but I snatch it away. "I'm willing to sit here and listen to you try to explain away all those years of hurt, but you don't get to fucking touch me." I spit the words out with as much venom as I can and the way that he pulls back, makes me feel something other than anger.
It's quiet for so long after that that I contemplate leaving. A small part of me wants to just walk away, but an even bigger part knows that I need to hear him out, if only to be something other than hurt and angry.
"Do you know how long I've loved you, B?"
A tear slides down my cheek. I did know. He's loved me since we were ten. At least that's what he had told me before shit hit the fan and he'd unceremoniously cut me off. "Your vindictiveness cancelled out your so-called love," I tell him. "You don't even deserve the right to say that. You have caused me so much unnecessary pain, Luca Donahue and have broken my heart without regard to my feelings." I'm crying now and I don't even care that my face will look like shit when I'm done. "You broke me, and now you want what? You want my forgiveness because you were having a hard time dealing with your parents? And you saying that you loved me, softens the blow? Is that it?"
His eyes fill as well and it shocks me into silence. I've never ever seen Luca cry. Not even when we'd had to put his dog, Maple, down when we were eleven and he hadn't been able to eat for a week after that.
As a tear slips out, I reach out and wipe it away. I don't know what made me do that, but my hand lingers for a few more seconds as he takes a deep breath.
"I broke your heart because you were breaking mine," he says quietly. "With my parents fighting, my world was being ripped from under me and you were going to brunch."
"Luca—"
"I watched you make other friends and it broke me to pieces that you were leaving me behind."
"I only went to those because I was so sad about your absence that my mom felt the need to force me to socialize with other people."
His eyes shut for the briefest of seconds and when he looks at me again, I can see the battle raging inside him and my heart twists. "I was hurt, B, and—"
"Hurting people hurt people," I finish for him.
He nods and suddenly I don't hate him as much. It doesn't excuse his actions, but it certainly put a lot of things into perspective.
"I ignored you at school because I thought that it would've made it easier to forget you, but I swear to you, B, I never intended for it to go that far."
"You mean having the other kids make me a target, wasn't part of your master plan?" I was only half joking.
"No. And I shut that down as soon as I realized what was happening."
I thought back to way his friends had left me alone, but them ignoring me had stung just as much as their words ever had. "The damage had already been done, Luca."
"I had a million sleepless nights that year. I was sure that not only had I successfully managed to make the nastiest break in history, I'd also made you hate me."
I smiled although my heart hurt. "If it's any consolation, I didn't sleep all that well either."
"Sorry, B." The sadness that radiates off him matches mine to a tee and I hold my hand out for him to take. He clasps it but he's still teary-eyed. "I didn't mean to be such a bother this year, but it being our last and all, made me realize that if I didn't fix things, I was going to lose you forever and I couldn't deal with the thought of you not being in my life after this is all over."
"Luca...." I want to tell him that he won't lose me, but I'm not entirely sure that he won't. My emotions were taking a rollercoaster ride and when they settled down, I might decide that I just want a clean break and I don't want to get his hopes up for nothing.
I also knew very well that I couldn't go back to being just his friend. There were too many feelings there that had nowhere to go. Even when I hated him, I loved him and it drove me mad.
"I let you down," he says as though he understands my hesitation. "I know that. I've let you down a thousand times, and I know that I don't deserve it, but if you could give me another chance to be your friend, I promise that you won't regret it."
My heart literally hurt. "Luca, I can't be your friend."
He looks crestfallen, but even so he doesn't let go of my hand. "Oh." He gives me the saddest look that I've ever seen. "If that's what you want, I'll leave you alone." He still hasn't let go of my hand.
I gently pull my hand out of his grip and as he moves to stand, I place it on his chest. "I can't be your friend, Luca, because there's too much of everything going on that would make a friendship impossible. You make me feel things that I don't want to, especially when I'm trying my hardest to hate you, and I can't be just friends with someone who makes me feel like strangling and kissing him all at the same time. It would be impossible."
His frown slowly fades and is replaced by a hopeful smile when he realizes what I'm trying to say. "More than friends?"
"Not right this minute," I say with a smile that matches his own. "But we can get there, I hope."
He places his hand on mine that's still on his chest and then leans in so close that I can smell his aftershave. It's an intoxicating woodsy scent that gives me chills as I close the space between us and meet his lips.
Kissing Luca is like having ice cream on a hot day. It's the kind that leaves you breathless and wanting and as we pull away from each other, I can't help but smile.
"Wow," he says, giving me a breathtaking smile.
"I know." I laugh and when he kisses me again, the hurt that I've been tugging along slowly dissipates and I almost feel weightless.
"Are you sure?" He asks this while he's holding onto my face and I don't know how he expects me to think clearly. "Cause I'm never letting you go again."
