The mug was warm in my hands as I pressed my fingers tightly around the base. It's smell rose up and had me closing my eyes in pleasure, just for a second. I took a deep breath and made a start at explaining this whole mess, "A couple months ago- the day we first met, actually- I was at the... I was out. I got these flowers, and a letter. The letter just said I'm sorry, Laken. I didn't... I didn't understand it, but I also didn't think anything of it.
"It was a harmless letter, maybe someone had given it to the wrong Laken, right?" I shook my head. "Well, I kept getting them, maybe a couple times a week. All they kept saying was I'm sorry, Laken. They were strange, but again I just thought it was meaningless. It freaked me out a little, but I didn't feel threatened, you know?" Levi nodded, his hands clenching around the glass of water in front of him until his knuckles had turned white. His jaw was moving again, grating his teeth. He looked like he was having a real hard time not saying something.
"The first time that it was... different, was when we had coffee at your place. I didn't even know they'd put that note there until you showed me it. I just thought... I just thought this person was taking their apologies to the extreme. But... apparently not." I ran my hand through my hair, preparing myself for the next part. I didn't want to have to talk about this, envisioning it all again made me relive it, and the thought made me sick.
"After that... things just got worse. I... I think someone was at my work." I admitted, feeling my stomach lurch and tighten. It was so much harder to talk about then I could have thought. "The hallways were dark so it was hard to see, but I felt someone there. And then there was whistling and someone walking, and I blamed it on the janitor, but then the security guard had this letter and I couldn't take it. So I left and I didn't say anything about it again. I pushed it to the back of my mind, because admitting that something was wrong was worse that pretending it wasn't."
"And then, a couple days ago, when I was on my run, someone left the same flowers and note on the path I go. I realised then, this wasn't about, apologies. It was personal, and this person wanted me scared, wanted me intimidated, and worried, and paranoid." I bit down on my lip. "And it's working."
Levi reached across the table, his hand finding mine. Even just that minimal contact, that small line of touch was enough for me to know he understood. I didn't need to go on. "I hate to ask, Laken, but is this... Is this to do with last night?" I screw my eyes shut and nod silently. Last night... I hadn't had a proper time to sit down and think about it. Last night... They were there. I felt my hands begin to shake, my head becoming dizzy.
"I... They..." I couldn't speak, the memories from last night were piling up, like a barrier between then and now, stopping me from coming around to the present. I couldn't see or think or breath, all I could do was see them standing there, feel their eyes on me, the rain against my skin, the cold air hitting my damp neck. I felt my throat ache, like I was screaming the words again, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?" My head was still spinning on my neck, my hands were still outstretched as the night faded around me. This time, I heard them laughing. I heard their taunts and their words silently, and then I felt like I was falling. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe, and the sky felt so far away.
"Laken," The words were distant, so far away. "Laken, breathe." I was still falling, and my breath wasn't finding its way inside me. I was suffocating in memories. Always find the sky, and see it never ending. I repeated, trying to get my mind back. "You're okay. You're okay. Look at me." The voice, clearer now, said. "Just calm down, you're okay." My eyes were open, but I blinked a few times, into a pair of steely greens. A rush of air pushed its way into my chest, almost choking me. "See, you're okay. We won't talk about it. You're okay." Levi pulled me to his chest, one arm wrapped around my waste, the other on the back of my head, running along my hair. "I'm sorry I pushed you too far."
I breathed in his scent, feeling safe again, and then the words were tumbling out. "They were there, Levi. They were waiting for me. I saw them in the mirror of my car, just standing there. The parking lot was empty, so I could have just drove straight past them but I just... I just couldn't. I got out and I was so mad, so... I just started screaming and screaming at them, asking what they wanted."
"And I didn't feel a thing. At the time, I was just so angry I didn't feel the pain or the cold or the shaking in my hands, I just saw red. And then I called you because I didn't know what to do, so I called you and you came and I didn't- I didn't know what to do, but that was the first thing that came to mind," I let out a small sob. I wasn't crying, my eyes were painfully dry, but my body was rasping for something to cling on to. My voice had been muffled by Levi's shirt, but I knew he heard me, if not by the way his body had slightly tensed, then by the tightening of his hand around my waste, the way his lips pressed into my hair.
I don't know why I'd told him, but now that the words were out, I felt... lighter. Like some of the weight had been lifted off me and disintegrated between us. I'd just given a piece, no matter how small it was, of myself to him by opening up like that. I'd trusted him with that small thing. I could tell myself it was progress.
"Laken..." Levi said quietly. I needed to be near him, but the sky was calling. I had to find the sky. I pulled him from the seat and lead him over to the open windows, where the pink, morning sky was a welcoming sight. I actually felt like I could fly.
He didn't say anything else, and right then, I was grateful. No words he could say were good for that moment as the sun touched the horizon. And he understood that. He understood that words were too mediocre for what was just shared. And that all we required now, was the knowledge that Levi was the only thin string holding me up. I didn't know if that was more pressure on him to hold me, or me to trust him to do just that. Hold onto me, even when I push away.
I still had my doubts, though. Not in him, but in fate.At some point, he would leave, there was no questioning that. I guess my natural instinct was to prepare myself for being alone.
