Silhouette of the Past

Chapter 2

The problem with me, being broken-hearted is that I seem to be reliving my misery over and over again.

Parang sirang plaka na paulit-ulit ang mga eksena sa utak ko noong unang nagtagpo ang aming mga mata hanggang sa kahuli-hulihang pagsamo ko na wag syang bumitaw.

I cannot seem to break the cycle of the painful memories, like I am locked into a repeating dysfunctional behaviour. It feels as though my pain has become a mental habit.

It seems that I cannot let go of that pain.

Parang accustomed na ang sarili ko sa sakit, parang hindi na ako magiging ako kung di ko ito nararamdaman.

I felt someone grasp my hands, clasping it to my chest halting my train of thought. "Margarette, are you still listening to me?"

Nag angat ako ng tingin at sinalubong ako ng nag-aalalang titig ni Chastity sa akin.

She's my best friend ever since high school. Well, she's my one and only friend. We were together thru thick and thin even back then, despite all the chaos. When everyone left, she stayed.

Pinilit kong ngumiti. "Yes, of course I am. You were talking about going back to the Pearl of the Orient." I unclasped our hands and walked towards the window.

Kitang kita ko ang magandang tanawin sa labas from my apartment.

I've been living in New York for 6 years now. Habang 3 years pa lang na nandito si Chastity for work. She was actually urging me to come home with her.

But I cant...and I won't.

"Margaaa! It's been what? 8 years? Bakit ayaw mo pa ring umuwi?" tila frustrated na sigaw nya sa akin.

"I'm living here for 6 years, Chassie. Not 8." natatawa kong sagot sa kanya, easing up the tension in the air.

Tinignan nya ako ng masama. I moved my shoulders as if physically asking her what?

"8 years since you broke up with him, Marga. That's what I meant. We all know that he is still the reason why you don't want to go home for 8 fuckin' years!" she's shaking her head uncontrollably as if she can't believe what she's saying.

Malungkot kong iniwas ang tingin sa kanya so that I can shield the truth from her eyes. Yes. It's been 8 years since we broke up, but everything is so fresh.

Parang kahapon lang nung unang nagtagpo ang mga mata namin.

When I enter my bedroom at night, I switch on the light without thinking asking myself if I am obsessed with him.

Because I feel unhappy all the time, after all these years and it's likely that my unconscious mind is 'switching on' my motions in exactly the same way.

Para akong robot. Naka program lahat ng gagawin, sometimes without me even thinking that I am doing it.

Without realising it, I have programmed myself to feel a pang of grief every time I hear that tune we used to danced to, or see something that reminds me of him.

I wanted to move on. I wanted to forget him as soon as I can (if only it can happen the next morning when I wake up) but I couldn't. Everywhere I looked, I saw him...there's just too many memories and I thought I would go crazy trying to avoid them.

Siguro sasabihin nyong ang OA ko. 8 years na ang lumipas, lumipas na ang panahon pero nandito parin ako. Still stuck in the past.

Naiwan ako sa pagdaloy ng panahon kung saan una nagtagpo ang aming mga mata.

Naiwan akong wasak at walang pag-asa.

How can I go back there when it feels like I never left?

AN: How about this? Is someone reading this? From somewhere? Over the rainbow? Hahahaha. Lol. Please let me know if you are reading this. Would appreciate it. Very much! 😘😘