Again I Fall

00

“Black Paladin; Takashi,” I breathe before sighing. “Thought Log; 385.” 

I don’t even know why I do this. I hated recording all my thoughts down when I worked for the Garrison. Nowadays though... It all seems to weigh down on me. Letting it out... helps. It’s not like anyone will ever listen to these, anyway. Hell, even I don’t.

Most of them are random and short, things I’d want to talk about, but didn’t want to bother the others about. It also helped when I’d have my... Moments.

My fingers drum against the desk I sit at, the small recorder in my hand feeling heavy. I wrap my fingers around it and move my hand to drag through my hair.

“It’s been exactly a month since my last log and, well, I felt none better.”

My eyes fall down to the desk, a random sketch I was drawing catching my eye. I trace the lines in my mind as I go on. Beautiful, white flowers.

“I can’t stop thinking of Adam. It shouldn’t hurt me since he gave me the ultimatum. I left. And I don’t regret it, not even for a day.”

Pulling the recorder away, I use the moment to collect my thoughts. This is harder than I realised. I’m no good at explaining or keeping my train of thought consistent. I take a deep breath and continue.

“What makes the thought of him difficult is... My feelings for him don’t seem as vast compared to everything else. Is that a bad thing? Do most people lose feelings like that?”

It’s hard to describe. My thoughts drift away from the subject and I hand and I smile faintly.

“It helps though to have everyone on Team Voltron. Pidge, Hunk, Allura, Coran..,” I chuckle softly. “Even Lance and Keith.”

“They’re grown stronger as a team. And I’m happy for them. But when things seem so... Out of each those two always seem to know what to say.”

Biting my lip, I give a gentle huff of amusement through my nose.

“No one could wish for better friends out in the emptiness of space.” My chest seems to sputter, closing around my heart til the feeling grows upward. “I can understand now what Lance meant when he said he couldn’t remember Earth as well anymore...”

It gets worse. Like vines or thorns, the tension grows and grows til it stops in my throat and I can’t speak for a moment. When I can, I huff.

“Still, they’re stubborn and narrow minded when focusing on a goal and nothing else,” I say and sigh gently. 

I stand up, sliding my hand of flesh down my side and smoothing out my jacket. My feet take me across my room before turning me around and walking back and forth.

“They still like teasing each other and if I’m being honest, after all their bonding, I’m sure they’ll be unstoppable teammates, even with their differences... They’ve grown and they’re both strong and capable young men.”

The pain comes back and I have to pause and put my hand to the wall. I squeeze the recorder a little tighter. I can feel the exhaustion from not sleeping for the last couple weeks getting to me. Rubbing my eyes, I take a few shallow breaths.

“I’m honoured to know them... They both mean much to me and I consider them to be family.”

It crawls up my throat and lies on my tongue. It’s heavy, weighing me down more than the psychical exhaustion ever could. My brain is foggy and I can’t speak at all now no matter how much I will myself to. 

I take hurried steps to the bathroom connected to my room and have to pause the recorder as I remove the pain from me. It’s no longer in my mouth, but I can still feel it lacing my lungs, my throat, my lips.

It makes me sick.

I click the pause button again and it records once more.

“I hope I can know them for as long as I can... They really are ... Good people. I’d do anything for them. Anything.”

I look to how long I’ve been recording before sighing. No matter how I try, I always end up blabbering on about them...

“End of Thought Log 385.”

My hand that holds the recorder drops to my side, my eyes following it as I stare at the cold metal. Geez. I rubbed my eyes before moving back to my desk and storing the recorder away. No one needed to hear my ramblings.

I then sit on the bed and look to the wall, resting back on the palms of my hands. Shutting my eyes, I think about both boys and wonder how joining the Kerberos mission ended up with me here...

Both violet and blue eyes stare back at me from the darkness behind my eyelids.

As I sigh, I feel the pain hit again and cough heavily. It doesn’t stop. And I’m stuck there in my room, wondering and wondering.

How could I fall again?

How could I allow myself into this pain?

How could I hide this long enough to keep them from knowing?