Yes, I'm skipping day 4 to 11, nothing really interesting really happened. It was just me hoping he would get me to notice me, I don't know.
I had to do something for him to notice, but that would all be in vain because he doesn't notice me after words so... Yeah.
Anyways, it was a completely normal day until 2 period where I made the mistake os showing my friend a note I wrote to him.
It had little messages written in it.
Like 'I like you, do you wanna go out with me? I know you don't know me, I'm sorry, I'm ugly, why would you go out with me? Sorry, I like you' and all that crap...
I showed my friend and she started reading it out loud, in front of the whole class. I tried to get it back, but she's taller than me so I couldn't reach then she hid it in her backpack and said she would give it to him at lunch. I was freaking out.
Mentally, I was panicking and just hoping she was lying which I found out she was at lunch. She was talking to her boyfriend on her phone then she gave me back the note and I ripped it up.
Literally tore it up, not even my name was visible. And that was that.
Well, until I decided it was my senior year and I didn't want any regrets, but boy did I get some new ones.
I wrote another note, but this time... My phone number was on it!
Yes, you can facepalm yourselves and mentally shout at me.
It was the must stupidest thing in the history of my life and I've done some pretty stupid shit in my life.
My friend read it to her boyfriend and I was just nervous all the way through and through. I just couldn't believe myself.
I asked her to give it to him since I was nervous and didn't really talk to people, but I'm retrospect, I probably should have gave it a different time.
When she handed him the note, I run away, but I couldn't go far since I was holding her food. She come and got it and said his girlfriend was there... Why? My life, I hate it 😔😑.
I tried not to cry the whole day because I felt awful about what I did and didn't do, I felt awful for trying to tell my feelings when it was clear he had a girlfriend. I just... Hated myself. I want home and cried more to myself.and the most unexpected thing happened...
A number I didn't know called me... I was debating weather I should pick it up or not, but I did and I though it was just another scam, that number always calls, I picked it up and....
It was his girlfriend!
I honestly though it was the scam people, but I guess some part of me hoped it was him? It's stupid, I'm stupid.
Anyways, his girl who I'm calling Beth was really cool and she told me it was okay and something along those lines.... I wanted to kill myself because of the hurt I caused her.... I could literally hear it in her voice. And I just kept apologizing and trying not to cry all over again.
Since it was the weekend, I was just listening to sad songs, the song that made me cry again was 'dancing on my own' and I guess I listened to it more then I would like to admit.
I'm still not over him, I wish I could be, oh good I wish, but I pass by him every day and it sucks when I have to see him but he doesn't know it was me and act like I don't know him. Cause I just want to graduate in peace now.
I honestly hate my crush on my, I hate myself for not being able to stop it. I hate everything about it. I just want to run away or be buried and never seen.
I don't wanna be me.
