i dont feel at home in this world anymore

the turning?

something i talk about a LOT is the turn of the millennium and i concluded that the best year to be born was like 1982-86 because youre like a functioning human being when the millennium fucking TURNS on new years eve of 1999 and my fake uncle was here a while ago and i mentioned it and i was like thats fucking crazy?? literally that night must have been the most legendary night of your life? he was like 22 at the time i believe??? imagine being in your top part stages when thefuckingWORLD CHANGES LIKE B I G TIME and he was impressed when i was like i can't even imagine that?? how amazing?? i would literally lay on the grass and like sink into it and quite honestly do you ever feel like that (like youre lying on the grass and you start to sink being pulled down slightly from your lower back and then youre out of your own focus and then god takes you back) but no he said like "we didn't care!! we were 22 and we thought we were too good for everything!!" and i was like HHWHATTHEFUCKSKLIRERALL T I WOULD DO ANYTINH G TO FUCKIN BE THERE AND EXPERIENCE THAT SHEER INCREDIBILITY AND LIKE OTHERWORLDLINESS THATSFUCKIGN C R A Z Y and he was like youre smart and i was like actually im a fucking idiot i just like to plan what ill do in detail for things that are physically impossible because it makes me feel better about my spiritual dead end and how im detaching myself from reality and im sad i guess but i just feel like im going fucking insane all the time and at this point he's like bitch what the fuck and i keep going and im like i can't even think realistically anymore because im either above ground or in the center of the fucking earth and my brain makes up sounds so i never ever have to sit in silence again and i think it was around this time last year maybe a month ago was a year ago but i was in my room and i fucking hallucinated SOUNDS for the whole night and it ws one of the most terrifying things that has literally EVER happened to me because i literally thought i was going crazy and like it was the weirdest fucking instruments playing songs i have never ever heard and as soon as the measure is over every trace of it just evaporates from your brain and youre like chasing after empty space trying to grab something thats already dissolved and it's a sad thing, to live your life that way and my uncle was like ok and i looked at his son and i was like charlie... he'll be my age one day and maybe i'll be dead. he could catch up to me. and kenny (the baby except he's not a baby he's like 6 and i love him and i wish he was my brother) just smiled because he's beautiful and the actual baby emma like Wailed and it just made me sad because i was like if she grows up to be my age no matter what she's going to be sexualized and harassed and get her feelings hurt and her heart broken just like the rest of us and she's just a baby but that'll be over soon too and i'll have to watch her grow and lose the spirit that i watched her develop when she was a baby and then she's just going to lose it and maybe she'll dye her hair or have a shitty music taste or pierce her own nose or maybe she'll hook up with any boy that even looks at her and maybe she'll be really smart and actually go places and maybe she'll kill herself and there's just no way to know and whenever i see babies and little girls i just pray that they don't end up like me and i want to make this world better from them and i've really made myself out to be a shitty person and a shittier role model but i guess it be like that sometimes but i want to be able to swear to myself that i have control over some things and i'm not gonna let her grow up to be sad or hopeless or slutty or anything and i want her to be perfect and i want to say  with confidence that i'll make sure she grows up perfectly and i just can't