i dont feel at home in this world anymore

what i realized today.

in the middle of all this shit. life is on my last nerve.. positive thinking was very nice, i must admit. but it takes a lot of energy and it's not really something i find myself to be able to hold onto. we are our own tragedies. i thought i could never ask for anything more. i wasn't his but i guess he was mine and we went and broke each other's hearts because nobody else would. he was too kind and i was too unattainable. turns out he was too manipulative and i was too wary. too hasty. too restless. i was always too restless. i don't even know who to trust anymore. in all seriousness, i have no one. no one who gets it.. and i hate to say it, but he did. he got it. people who get it now aren't even close on the scale of who understands me.. he never fucked me up. never. it was never his fault. it was things i did. and how i retaliated. just how i was. everything i did, i did it wrong. some people were made to make each other happy for a month or so at a time. sometimes the happiness stopped, and he could tell. i don't know how. i couldn't even tell. i hope everybody's done lying to me. 

hey, my new readers. there's two of you, i think. you don't know as much about me as you think you do. i split up what i tell everyone. nobody knows me dynamically. actually.. 

what does top priority mean to me? to you? to someone far away? to your mother?

i love when you laugh.. i love when you do anything. i love when you speak because every person in the room can talk to me and i remain invisible. you're the only one i want to be seen by. your words matter more than those of anyone else. maybe.

i dont know!!

my hurt glows in white. i literally might as well be disappearing. everything is so fucked up that i can't even think about it. this is the part where i ruin my relationship with my parents by doing reckless things because my brain is shutting down right now my fingers are typing and not my mind deadass i can't fucking think i can't fucking focus 

and i had a flashback to last november and a plane i dont remember and never will and how i cried because there was nothing i could ever, ever do

i know what youre thinking- there's a whole lot of negative energy in this room and it's starting to remind you of the terrible months that you spent as an infant. all rashed-out thinking those crazy baby thoughts about how all the big people seem so small minded... & i know it only gets worse nowadays and you're scared to look out the window sometimes but like they all do, just pray that it is snow. our neck of the woods is just block after block of phantom limbs anymore.. when the cops bust in you realize that it's not worth worrying about. get back in line, we all have to get our scarlet letter sooner or later. it's a fact, jack- everyone. you, me, Ghandi, and the Hamburglar- we're all somebody's baby-powdered bitch.

i find you inspiring. 

come over and see how you fit in this box. two headed cows call it love when the train rackets by and old Gao recalls honey that tastes like sex. the best parts are the ones that remain unfinished: we are getting closer and the sun does not even want to half-shine. 

who could 

fail to believe 

this, 

being born on summer 

nights, pink-

faced & grim 

under the fast 

counting light gliding over the atmosphere

and it makes you 

think about the one you will find 

in the dark oh-so eventually

but it is always so fascinating

the baby

wrapped in trash beneath

july stars. 

imagine being so capable that you never have to will yourself to even speak because your thoughts are such gold that you can't even imagine the expense of sharing them with anyone else. not even the people who said they would help you out if they won the lottery. nobody can be trusted anymore. not uncommon knowledge. & we are still this whole big picture of dying and breathing, you lisp and words fall swampy, where a boy with a plastic bag over his head pretends to pick fruit from the dead apple tree of the bottom of you. 

you have never known lightning or darkness like this before. you never will again. the special presence that mine finds within you is astounding. i want it to shut the fuck up. i want you out. we dance all night with the corpses of 1920's women on our shoulders, bombs starbursting when we find ourselves to breathe.