Delicate

Liability (Lorde)

Kelly's POV

I cried the whole ride back to the city. The uber driver kept looking into the rearview mirror, probably confused over why I was blubbering like a baby. His eyes were dark and his eyebrows were thick. I couldn't really get a good look at his face, as my vision was blurred through the tears.

"Kelly, what happened to you?" Brianna was waiting for me at my uptown apartment as the uber pulled up to the curb. I had texted her an urgent S.O.S. as I left Westchester County and here she was, like the amazing friend she was.

She helped me bring my bags up to my room, and she helped my clean myself up. She wiped off the mascara that was running down my cheeks, and she held me as I cried into her shoulders. She listened to me as I explained to her everything that had happened with Juliet. By the end of my story, I was in tears once again, and she rubbed my back comfortingly.

"I still don't really understand why you did this," Brianna commented, her words sharp but her tone soothing.

I made a futile attempt at wiping some tears away from my eyes. "I mean, I had to, you know. I don't want to hurt her by leading her on like this."

Brianna pursed her lips together. "But how are you leading her on? It's really obvious that you're madly in love with her."

"What? No, I like her. I don't love her."

"Kelly, you definitely love her. You talk about her all the time, you gasp every time you see her, and the way you look at her: I can just tell. You love her," she was still rubbing my back, but my tears were starting to fade as I grew angrier.

It was so annoying how Brianna always thought that she knew everything. She literally knew nothing. Here I was, hurting and in pain, and all Brianna would do was try to give me bad advice. She was trying to tell me about something she knew nothing about.

"No, I don't! I care for her, but I don't love her. I'm not capable of love."

Brianna looked at me for a few minutes, and I couldn't read the expression on her face. She was tilting her head, slightly puzzled maybe? The silence scared the shit out of me.

"If you don't love her, then why are you hurting so bad?" Her words were poignant, but her tone was soft. She looked at me: a look filled with care and concern.

With that, I broke down again. It was so annoying how Brianna knew me so well, even better than I knew myself. Here she was, saying it like it was yet again.

"I love her," I admitted, my voice barely even a whisper. Falling back into her arms, she stroked my hair soothingly as I cried.

"Was that so hard to admit?" she asked me, a slight giggle following her question. "Look, Kell, I get that you're scared. Giving so much to a single person is terrifying, but it's so worth it."

I shook my head. "It's not worth it."

"You're talking about Alyssa?" Brianna asked me. "Well, Alyssa was a jerk, but I think that you'd agree that your relationship wasn't all bad. You have plenty of good memories, and I personally think that you grew so much as a person after it ended."

"What do you mean?"

"Before, you could be pretty arrogant and headstrong. You always wanted things your way, and you liked to control other people. But after Alyssa, you started becoming way more gentle. You listen to others, and you're way more patient. I think that you've grown for the better."

"But it hurts so much!"

Brianna nodded. "I know, Kelly. But that's not a good enough excuse to run away from any chance of love now."

"It's better now though," I tried to convince her. "If we waited a few more months, we would have both gotten too attached. If something were to happen, I don't think that I'd be able to take the pain."

"You don't think that you'd be able to take the pain? God, Kell, you can be so selfish sometimes."

I jumped out from her arms and sat on the ground across from her. My vision was flushing red and my ears were beginning to ring. "No, I'm not selfish! Don't you understand? I broke up with this for her! I can't give her what she wants! I'm only going to break her heart!"

"You did break her heart."

"I mean, if it last longer, I would have," I reasoned, trying to convince myself as well. "But I did it now so no one would get hurt."

"LOOK AT YOU!" Brianna was shouting, exasperated that I wasn't getting whatever she was trying to say. "You're hurt! She's hurt! You broke her heart because you were scared of what might happen! When you decided to end this, you didn't think of her. You were only thinking of yourself."

I was silent for a while; I didn't really know how to respond to her words. They were true. I love Juliet. That much I know. I also know that telling myself that I did this for her good made my actions feel justified. Deep down, I really regretted breaking up with her. Maybe I was no better than Alyssa.

At the same time, she wasn't understanding what I was trying to say. Juliet and I could never work. Never. Not in a billion years. Brianna was honestly so self-righteous to think that she knew the inner workings of a relationship she wasn't even a part of.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, BRIANNA!"

"Look, Kelly, I know you're hurting but honestly, stop being so selfish okay? I think that you're going to have to work to fix this. Her heart is probably smashed into a million pieces on the floor. If you're going to try to convince her to take you back, then you need to change. You need to actually be honest with her."

I shook my head. "I was honest with her when I broke up with her."

Brianna stared at me for a second like she was giving up. She didn't know what else to say. "I don't know why you called me here, Kell. You obviously don't need my help."

I looked away from her, too indignant to admit that she was right and that I was wrong. "Fine, you can just leave then. What do I care?"

There was a shuffling of feet and a slam of the door, and then I was all alone.