Avengers oneshots

"Bruce has a son?!"

Well, fuck, this is late

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"That wasn't even a proper roast,"

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-------------------------- "There's only one god, ma'am, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like 'that.'" --------------------------

"Guys, Hulk is going insane! We gotta knock him out!" Tony yelled. Steve shook his head. "There's gotta be another option besides hurting Banner!"

"There isn't! It's okay! Banner knows the risks of letting the Hulk out!" Tony said. "I'm gonna knock him out!"

"NO! DON'T DO IT!" A teenage voice yelled into the comms. Every single Avenger froze at the sound of the voice.

"Kid, how the hell did you get into the comms? Who the hell are you?!" Tony shouted. "There's no time to explain that! Actually, there is, but not really! The first thing to explain is, I know how to calm him down!"

Tony squinted. "Who?"

"The Hulk, you dumbass! I'm the only one who can!"

Tony raised an eyebrow. "Kid, did you just call me a dumbass? The only person who calls me that is my team-"

"I don't care who calls you that! I can calm him down, but I can't tell you guys why, due to swearing to him!"

Steve squinted as he threw his shield behind him without looking. "You swore to Bruce that you wouldn't tell anyone why you can calm him down? That's ridiculous!"

"Says the guy who was frozen in ice for a gazillion years and still lived," the teenager grumbled. Clint laughed loudly. "HA! He got you good, capsicle!"

Steve just sighed. "Wasn't even a proper roast," he muttered.

"I heard that."

"You don't have a right to speak to me like that, kid," Steve said. The kid on the line sucked his teeth. "Ooh, actually, I do."

Steve froze, stopping everything he was doing. "Wait, what do you mean by that?" He asked. The teenager just shook his head as he watched what the Avengers were doing. "No time to explain. Please, let me get close to the Hulk. I know it's really risky trusting me, but please. I know how to calm him down without hurting him."

Tony sighed as he blasted another alien off of a building. "I'll admit it, kid. If you hacked into these earpieces, you've got some smarts. But I still don't trust you completely. How do you know Bruce so well?"

The teenager was silent for a few seconds. "Look. If I tell you this... you need to promise not to tell anyone, okay? Especially not Bruce. He would flip out. Do I have your word?"

Tony shrugged. "You got my word."

Natasha rolled her eyes. "Mine too, I guess."

Clint groaned. "I can't believe I'm doing this... you've got my word, kid."

Steve just shook his head. "Uh, yeah, you have my word."

Thor nodded. "You have my word."

The kid on the earpieces took a deep breath, slowly exhaling. "I'm his son."

"WHAT?!" The whole team of Avengers except Hulk screamed. The teenager winced at the volume while he ran across the rooftops. "Ouch. Lower the volume, maybe?" He said.

"Bruce has a son?!" Thor bellowed. "That son of a bitch! How come he didn't tell us?"

"Don't call my dad the son of a bitch, Odinson. You made him fight against your goddamn sister while your father just decided to die!" The teen yelled.

"Now, I'm going to approach him. If any of you interfere I won't hesitate to kick your ass to another fucking planet because you will ruin everything."

Natasha smirked as she fought off the aliens surrounding her. She liked this kid.

"Crap! Kid, Spidey's joining the scene! He's running to your dad!" Clint said. The teenager rolled his eyes. "Guess who that 'Spidey' is?"

Tony turned towards the blue and red figure running down the street at the speed of light, squinting at him. "Wait, you don't mean... oh my god, you're fucking kidding me. You?! You're Spidey?!" Tony screamed.

The teen grinned under his mask. "One and only, Mr. Stark. Nice to finally meet you. Now stop fucking up my ears, I'm near the target."

"KID, DON'T YOU DARE-"

Tony heard the faint beeping, meaning the teen had disconnected. He groaned in frustration. This wasn't going to end well.

Little did he know that he was an absolute dumbass and predicted the outcome of the situation completely wrong.

"Dad? Hey, it's me, dad." Peter whispered, sliding off his mask. The Hulk stopped immediately, looking down at the teenager.

"What you doing? Get away from monster!" Hulk roared. Peter, however, was unaffected by Hulk's behavior. After all, he was used to it. "What monster? You mean you?" He asked calmly. The green giant nodded his head slowly.

Peter just shook his head. "Well, you're wrong. Hulk, I would really like my dad back. I know he doesn't want you to do this. Why are you doing this anyway?"

Hulk just threw his hands into the air, kicking a nearby car aside like it was some can. "Hulk ANGRY!" He shouted. Peter laughed, grabbing Hulk's hand, making the giant look at him in confusion.

Peter leaned his forehead on Hulk's, smiling softly. "I know you're angry big guy, but can I have my dad? Don't worry, you'll be able to take out your anger on something else."

Hulk looked at him. "Promise?" He asked in his deep voice. Peter chuckled softly. "Promise. Don't worry. Lots more attacks are going to happen in New York."

Hulk nodded, actually smiling at Peter before he shrank down. As soon as Bruce was visible, Peter handed him a pair of clothes. Bruce put them on hastily, before smiling at his son.

"Thanks, Pete," he breathed. "I don't know what I would do without you." Peter smiled. "You're welcome, dad. Also, I'm gonna quickly just run this way so that you don't have time to ground me!" he said quickly before practically disappearing.

"Wait, what...?" Bruce muttered as he watched his son go into his Barry Allen mode.

Something was wrong.

"So, Bruce. Wanna explain something to us?" Tony said as he landed smoothly in his Iron Man suit. Bruce raised an eyebrow, trying to act innocent. "Explain... I'm sorry, explain what, exactly?"

Tony almost wanted to believe him. "Your fucking son is Spiderman, Bruce. I think that needs explaining."

Bruce tilted his head at them before a smile crept onto his face. "I'm sorry, I need to do something."

He got out his phone, dialing a number and putting it up to his ear. It rang for a few seconds before somebody picked up.

"Hello?" Came the innocent voice of Peter Banner.

"You're off vines for a month," Bruce said flatly before hanging up.

The ending was a big oof but by this point srry i don't give a shit