You're okay now sweetheart {bts gang au}

Chapter 12~ Imperfect

(*self-hatred is the theme of this chapter*) Also the panic attack is from my experience with them, not everybody has the same experiences with them so it differs from person to person-I tried my best to describe the feeling of it but I don't think I described it exactly how I feel it but I hope you can understand what I mean- comment if you don't understand or if I just wrote it wrong (which is very likely as i'm half asleep right now) <3 .(Play the music whenever.) The italics is a flashback .

Yoongi's POV

I wake up and I'm met by a note sitting on the bed next to me. I'm confused for a moment, wondering how I got into bed but I can vaguely remember Jimin carrying me in. Although i was barely awake, I could tell that it was Jimin carrying me. The note says that they had to go to a briefing and talk to their boss about me joining the gang officially.

It feels weird being alone after so long of having somebody with me. I had years of loneliness but the last time I felt this low was a week after my dad kicked me out, the day that I spiralled down the never ending spiral of darkness and self-hatred, I didn't talk to the guys about it because they fixed where I was broken but the cracks are still there in my heart.

When it first hit me that I had nobody in the world, I was sitting in my box, the place that was my home for three years. I had felt nothing for the past week, just numb, well maybe except for the gnawing ache of my stomach, I was used to not much food but none at all was torture. The darkness inside of me didn't exist until know. Darkness can't exist with a light and up till now I had that hope, I had that sliver of hope that I would wake up from this nightmare or better yet not wake up at all.

I didn't realise how badly I wanted to cry until the first tear rolled down my cheek, I was finally broken. The mask of a normal person I had been attempting to hold broke. I'm not normal. I'm a waste of space. I'm too ugly to live. I'm too fat to keep breathing. I'm just not enough and nobody can convince me otherwise, not that anyone has tried to.

All of my life I've had the feeling of not fitting in and not being good enough. I just ignored it though because I had a loving father and brother there for me, through my dark days. Then my brother left for China, I was happy for him because he was finally following his heart and not being held back by worries and doubt. He left with promises, but he's broken them all and then I just had to go and come out to my father. I don't know what I was thinking, if I could go back a week, I would keep my mouth shut.

I rest my head on my knees and try to shelter myself from the rain in my box. I look up and I can see people running to get out of the room. They've got somewhere to go. They are loved. They have dreams. They deserve to keep breathing. They are normal and i'm the complete opposite.

I see a couple hold hands as the girl pulls her boyfriend through the rain. I won't ever meet someone who thinks I'm beautiful. I'm ugly. Nobody will ever love me. I'm unlovable. There will never be a person to hold me. I'm useless. No one will protect me from the world and myself. I'm purposeless . Nobody cares enough to slow down and see me. I'm invisible.

Shivers run down my body and a gasp shakes my chest. I can't breathe. People become blurs as I see my father stare at me through a crowd of people. I'm frozen, my chest shakes as my heart tries to leap out of my chest. His face is emotionless as he squints at me. He steps closer, pushing past people. Then he stands stock-still and sneers at me. He laughs at me as I curl further in on myself, the closer he gets. Eventually, he reaches my box, he bends down slightly and spits on me. ''I hope you burn in hell faggot.'' he snaps. Then he kicks me brutally in the side several times before turning away.

My mouth opens to scream but no sound escapes. My face scrunches up as I sob with my mouth wide open. I suck in deep breaths but i'm choking on nothing.