What is life?

Sept. 13th 2018

September 13th, 2018. This day was Hectic for me and I'll explain why. I'm gonna make it short. Last thing I remember is falling asleep Into a deep deep sleep, and this is all very factual none of this is made up. I remember falling asleep and having a dream about one of my close friends dying and it was hell the dream stressed me out so fucking bad while in my dream. I don't know if that makes sense, being stressed in a dream shit was making my heart hurt while sleeping. All I remember is it being about my close friend and the death was tragic as fuck. I woke up in the morning with my heart hurting and wanting to tell my friends, " yo y'all be more careful I love you boys " but I didn't, I didn't want to freak them out or anything. I go to school the next day and everything seems fine I'm happy as usual smile on laughing doing my work the usual. Later on during second period one of my friends from my middle school and early freshmen year messaged me and sends me a screenshot. I read it " hit and run September 13th, 2018 I didn't think much of it at first because I was denying it and then later began feeling hurt. I started thinking and thinking. I honestly had no time to process it due to skipping with my friends after that class. Fast forward later because me skipping with my friends is irrelevant in this story. My friend who told me sent me another screenshot telling me there's a candle vigil for him, and that's when all hell really broke lose it really hit me. I was alone. My thoughts weren't being overthrown by jokes and my friends. It really hit me I told him I'd definitely be their. I hopped in my car blasting the most depressing shit I could possibly find and broke down at a red light screaming lyrics in agony, tears escaping my eyes. I sped to Walmart and bought three candles and after went to a house that was vacant and lit a candle and said what I had to say. I got real emotional outraging asking god what's our purpose. Why were we put here to just die. The curse of life, you live to die. Asking him why the good people always go first, of course no one deserves death, but still such good hearts being taken from us. The thing that makes me worry the most is the dream I had the night before. I mentioned it briefly, the dream was about another one of my friends dying but he was fine I told him I had the dream and to be safe but still it can't be a coincidence I had a dream about a friend dying and it happened. It's making my head burst into shambles, why did I dream about something like this before. The night before my friend actually dying. This death shit really does take a toll on me. I don't know if I wanna fuck someone up and beat them the fuck up or lock myself in a room and not come out for days. I even considered suicide but it's obvious god wants me here for a reason if it didn't work the first time. My mind still is lost and I still feel hurt and I'm in a very pessimistic state. I don't wanna talk to anyone yet, I feel like I just need time to myself and my thoughts. I feel like I just need to go far far away and be isolated for a while to fully process life and analyze and try to find a answer on why life is like this and why were all cursed with the gift of " life ".

Why are we set up to die? Maybe there's a answer to all of these questions I ask but there no where to be found. The world is a cold cruel place. People of all ages dying every day even as I type this someone is dying. It's a natural part of life. Live, grow, die. I've been sitting in the kitchen and in the dark writing this for a good forty five minutes just trying to force my thoughts onto this page, and I'm coming to a stopping point. I give up. I'm going to sleep fuck this shit.