Is it okay that I feel so free? For once in my life I'm the one with nothing weighing my heart down, except the pain of those around me. Even then, that weight is welcome. It's all coming together for me, but my friends lives are unraveling.
I remember when I was in the darkest and deepest pain, my therapist said "It's good that you're going through this at 16 and not 20." I understood, but I didn't realize the truth until my friends made me. They're not 20, but 18 is very close, don't you think?
We are all at the precipice of life; at the edge of a cliff where we either fall or fly, and these angels of mine have had their wings ripped off at the exact wrong time.
I'd give them mine, on feather at a time if mine would grow back, but I've learned that they don't, they just leave patches on the places where you need the most protection.
And who's to say that this will all go away after they leave their childhood home, or their childhood pain? I can't, I won't give hope where it can't exist, but what do I do then? Say I love them and keep walking without holding their hand? Or do I stop walking and wait for them to start?
It hurts to have this commotion inside your head and have only your parents know, or your pillow, or your poor hamster that definitely has ADHD. I guess you know now, too, though.
The worse part is, these angels of mine believe I can't handle their pain, when all I want to do is take it away for a while. Maybe for an hour, or maybe for a night. As long as I can. It comes back, surely, but I believe I can bear that weight with them for a fraction of time. I'm not fragile anymore, I've grown so strong, so strong that I can push myself and be ready to push myself farther next time. My stress is no longer the enemy, but an old friend who I welcome through the door, like hope or love or kindness. The door was locked for a bit but it's wide open now and their chair is ready for them and I've just put the kettle on for tea.
I'm being vibrant and bright because those people who were vibrant and bright for me are now so dark and alone. I'd like to think I can help with a hug and a sappy love quote and photo of bunnies in a meadow. I try, at least.
