What They Do.

The Talk

So Loki lays himself down on his sheets, looking deep into Thors eyes for an endless moment,
back prickling, humming warm from the salve that took away his pains so graciously, and too
exhausted to be wild but never too weary to enjoy he surrenders to what just seems to lie in both
their natures.
"Thor", he breathes closed eyed when he feels his brother crawl onto the bed.
"Yes?"
"My shoes … would you … ?"
And Thor takes off Lokis boots and strips his trousers down his shins, away over his white, bared
feet. Then he climbs between his thighs, opens his own belt, slips both his trembling hands around
himself and bends his neck down into Lokis lap. To do what he always does. Loki, cozily
enjoying being freed from everything, just lets his sensitive feet wander up Thors spine, slowly
shoving up his clothes til they find skin to caress. Thor rushes his hands back up, unbuttons his
tunic and takes it off, throwing it carelessly aside, to give way to whatever Loki might want to
touch, never stopping to place kisses on the fine bruises his chewing teeth left yesterday.
"Thank you", Loki whispers sleepily. And chuckles when he realizes that his statement could be
beautifully misunderstood. Thors tongue gives a smack in reply. I should heal, Loki tells himself. But he's lazy. And there's no pain left to focus on anyways.
Whenever he tries to force himself to listen into his body and find the echoes of his wounds all he
finds is Thor in all his veins. So he listens to his brothers lips. And to the curtains softly fluttering
in a mornings breeze. If he'd open his eyes to watch them curl and billow in the tender winds he'd
see them brightly illuminated by the golden sun. But Loki is lazy. And so he listens to the birds,
rolling his heavy head on his pillow and giving oh so tiny but impossibly overwhelmed sounds.
Loki cannot bring himself to feel guilty anymore, to feel strange. Last nights nightmares and
worries seem too far gone. Slowly combing his brothers hair the last thing he feels before
slumbering away is how Thors stubbles tickle his thighs. And...
When he wakes up he wears new clothes. Thor sits on the edge of his bed, dressed again, too,
holding the open box of sweets in his hands, examining them critically. Loki frowns, suddenly
unsettled by something he cannot put a finger on yet.
"You made me pass out?", he jokes to hide his uncertainty as he sits up cross legged.
"Hu? You fell asleep." Thor doesn't smile. Thor doesn't look at him.
"How long have I been gone?"
"Not long."
Glancing over to the window the sun tells just the same; half an hour maybe.
"How are you?", Thor mumbles, coughing.
"Hm?"
"How you are!"
"Oh, better. Sorry." Frowning again Loki clears his throat, watching his brother brood over
something that must be, measured by the depth of these angry lines above his nose, deathly
serious.
And then he remembers with a stitch hurting his temples what Thor said to him before he ran for
the pot of Cowards Brew this morning.
We need to talk.
A panic claws into Lokis back. Suddenly feeling the urge to escape a prison cell his eyes rush
from one point to the next all through his room, finding no safety in his familiar things and objects.
Until his gaze stops at something catching all his suspicious attention in a most absurd way.
"Wait", he says, staring wide eyed onto Thors knees, "you're wearing my trousers? My best, my
favourite, my night-green trousers?"
This finally makes Thor look up. Glancing seesaw between Lokis poison eyes and the fabric
stretching tightly over his muscular legs, so dark to be rather called black than green, he blushes.
"I kinda ruined mine."
"You're wearing them out", Loki snarls, "everywhere. I hear the stitchings creak."
"I'm not! And, however, how is this green? It's black!" "It's green."
"It's black!"
"It's green!"
"IT'S - ! - LOKI", Thor exhales in wild frustration, staring at his brother, " ... we need to talk."
Sighing Loki closes his eyes. He could make himself invisible and run. But he knows he
shouldn't. Glancing down into the sheets he says: "Alright."
It takes Thor some time to get something out.
"Brother, I'm worried."
"It shows. I just wonder why." Loki nibbles at his lip. No, I don't wonder why, I FEAR why. Thor
must finally have come to his senses. He must have realized what they REALLY do. And that it's
more than a game. Brothers, men … and something else. A part of Loki remembers these thoughts
that spun through his mind last night. That all of this could possibly be alone his fault. But now
that's unduly, isn't it? Thor just proved again that he decides for himself in this affair. Loki did not
manipulate him into anything.
Still, though, … the tiny doubt digs into him like a mean thorn.
And how does Thor think he's going to talk something like this over at all? Are there words for
the unspeakable? In any language ever spoken? And what for? To clear it up? Or to end it?
This is is gonna be so ugly. Loki gulps all numb.
Then, after torturing moments of hesitation, after rubbing his face in his great palms, after taking a
breath to speak, letting it out unused again, and after taking another, Thor finally struggles his way
to the possibly longest speech he ever held.
"I'm worried for you, Loki. Your latest behavior is most alarming. I know I should have known, I
should have seen it long ago! And you cannot imagine how I despise myself for not having been
able to help you earlier. And … again, I, ah, just couldn't – resist, withstand, call it how you want.
I couldn't be strong for you. But now I will, I will", he pauses, gathering new courage. "Loki,
what we did on that mountain was badly amiss."
"You … don't say", falls out Lokis mouth. He's frozen, staring back into his brothers pleading
eyes. This is not what he expected. If he expected anything at all. This is not going to lead to
anything good.
"See, you just got it all wrong!"
"What did I get wrong?"
"Nah, what we do … you know. Mmmh ...", Thor frowns, looks down, "See, I am not that good
at talking, but let me try, will you?"
Loki stays silent and the panic that ripped on his back crawls into him now. Something dawns
upon him. Something this absurd he CAN'T believe it until he hears it from Thor. He listens
tensed like a dead body.
"I will be honest, Loki. And I am doing this because I love you. I don't want anyone out there to
hurt you because of it. And so I shall be the first and hopefully the last to ever tell you: I fear you are in great confusion about your sexuality."
A second long Loki's sure he's gonna faint in disbelief. Thor didn't say that, did he? THOR didn't
say that. Oh, All Nine, Odins fucking throne and Hel, he did. Thor, his brother, who came for him
to suck his dick a thousand endless times, no matter if Loki wanted it or not, Thor, who took him
as hard as to never fart the same way again, not to mention into WHICH orifice, THAT THOR
said that he, Loki, is in great confusion about his sexuality.
Loki doesn't faint. And he doesn't rip Thors head off and eat it. And he doesn't screech like a
Harpy to never ever stop again. And he doesn't giggle like mad and jump out of the window. He
only wonders why he doesn't faint.
"So", he hears himself say from afar, his voice but weak through that ping ringing into his ears.
"Don't be ashamed, Loki", Thor takes his hands into both his own and squeezes them in caring
compassion, "it's not your fault. I should never have supported these ill tendencies of yours. But I
promise you we'll fix it! And we MUST fix it! See what lines it made you cross! All these wounds
and bruises ..."
"Fix what?"
"Fix you!"
"Now … explain that to me, please." He pulls his hands slowly out of his brothers grip.
"Oh", Thor moans, making a face, "Good. I … but I am not good at talking."
"You're repeating yourself", Loki snaps cruelly. Thor glances up, astounded by the sudden
sharpness of his brothers voice.
"Well. Remember what made me turn to you when we started what we do?"
"The fear of becoming king. I seemingly was to distract you from it."
"I was desperate and selfish", Thor bawls, "Forgive me. I needed you then! And so I forgot to be
the big brother you needed. And need still! I'm so sorry, Loki. You were helpless without my
advice. I just didn't want to know what all this was to you."
"What was it to me, then?" Loki raises his eyebrows. Thor blushes.
"Sex, I'm afraid."
Loki is deeply surprised at how he is able to stay this calm. He feels like ice is filling him up.
Cold, hard, cutting shards of ice. Waiting to burst into the world and slit all life open and apart.
Calmly waiting, though. He just doesn't know yet when this icy bomb inside of him is going to
explode.
"It's no sex, then? I come, you come, we both come. Together. That's what people call sex. Am I
really to explain this to a grown up man?" At this he can't help but desperately chuckle. Jumping
out the window suddenly doesn't seem too digressive anymore.
"It's just that - Loki, see it from my view: Brothers don't have sex! You must KNOW that! And
we're brothers, aren't we? Aren't we brothers, Loki?"
Hesitating Loki nods his head. Thor smiles all triumphant as if he just made a retarded understand
an utmost tricky thing: "See! So what we do can't possibly be sex!"  "Your logic kills me."
"Loki, just-"
"Nonono, wait! I'm trying to follow your thoughts. Admittedly, when it was all new to us you
were strangely, ah, modest, to say so. But we both know that didn't last long! And now you say ...
what we do, how you call it - no, lets just call it what it is, analytically name it: You sucking me
until I come whilst touching yourself until you come is no sex. But whatever we did on the
mountain, that was sex, right? No, wait. You said what we do is no sex because we're brothers
and because brothers don't have sex. So the mountain was no sex, either. We didn't stop being
brothers then, did we?"
"Loki, please!"
"Please WHAT?" His voice dart up into hysterical pitches. The shards of ice are dangerously
clinging up his throat.
"There is a – ah," Thor stutters, helpless for an instant, grimacing like in pain, forcing himself to
think, "a DIFFERENCE! In what I make us do and what you made us do on that mountain. I
always meet you like a brother. But yesterday you tried to meet me like a lover!"
Loki jumps from the mattress to his feet and spits his next words down into Thor from above:
"Name ONE man in ONE world who MEETS HIS BROTHER THE WAY YOU DO!"
Boom. The bomb is out. But not in an explosion of deathly racing shards of ice ripping everything
into pieces. Only in tears melting from Lokis gaze.
Thor doesn't say a word. His face is such a sad mask as he watches his brother cry out of wide,
staring eyes. His voice is soft and filled with deep compassion as he says: "The point is that you
got it wrong, Loki. And that you are confused."
"Confused", Loki echoes silently.
"Yes", and Thor smiles, thinking that Loki begins to understand, "But I have high hopes that
together we can make you overcome these problems! We are born Aesir, Loki. Remember. We
mustn't sleep with siblings. Or with men."
No. This is ridiculous.
Loki, face suddenly freezing again, straightens his back and starts to slowly pace around the room.
Thor stands up, too, watching him hopefully.
"Let me … give a résumé", Loki dangerously muses. "Aside from incest now … you say I'm gay.
And, what's even more interesting, you say you're not."
"Of course I'm not", Thor laughs.
"Oh, really? I mean, for not being gay you're pretty fond of taking a penis into your mouth. And
of gulping down what comes out of it. And when you took me through the back door yesterday
you wouldn't stop the ride for hours. Must have been pretty nice for your indeed! That's nothing
one could or would do with a woman. And nothing I would do with you."
Thor stands baffled, stares and needs some moments to realize he should be getting angry. And
then his face runs burning red and his hands claw into fists. A sudden thunder roars above the
palace. "I'm NOT gay!", he booms, "YOU are! You're a man acting like a girl, Loki! It was YOU WHO
THREW HIMSELF BENEATH ME!"
As he suddenly jerks under a hard slap of Lokis long and lashing fingers cutting his cheek Thor
grins victoriously. "See? That's EXACTLY what Sif does every time we have a quarrel."
"And YOU are acting like a madman! What was that in the library? In front of SIF? Have you
completely lost your mind?"
"I was just teasing you! She'd never found out about it, I've had it all under my control. You really
deserved that, by the way."
"Oh-nonononono, I think you LIKED it! Doing me in front of her! That was thrilling, wasn't it,
you perv?"
"PERV you say? You KISSED ME! Kissing a brother that way is sick, Loki!"
"I didn't even WANT to kiss YOU, Oaf", he lies, just to let an other end of the truth slip out his
mouth, "I just don't have anyone else to kiss!" And he shoots Thor a hateful and humiliated glare
asking who in all Asgard would want to kiss me?
Now Thor frowns. At how his brother sees himself. For he didn't ever think about things like
these. Thor is used to being loved and adored by everyone. But Loki … ? Oh, that's one of his
tricks again, isn't it? Thor shakes his head.
"Silly excuses! You could get any maiden out there if only-"
"Oh, really? Could I, Thor? COULD I? Are we talking about YOU or ME?"
Thor blinks his eyes, confused. "Ah ..."
Loki makes a face, deeply disgusted. He feels used, mocked, slapped and now rejected. So you
want to get rid of me, or what? Something's turning inside of him: He's got some ice shards left,
some freezing hate to protect himself from this farce. There's one last card he hasn't played out yet.
He could still turn things round. Cut him open. Tip to toe.
"You didn't touch her."
"What?"
"You didn't touch Sif when I refused to let you touch me."
At this Thors breathing stops in horror long before he knows he's horrified. His face tells stories as
he realizes what Loki just spat out. Suddenly the broad shouldered, gold haired, strong and happy
prince of Asgard is nothing but a frightened child. A child frightened to death. He stares at Loki as
if a demon stood before him.
"Not THAT, Loki", he threatens, but he's desperate, "that's something else!"
Narrowing his eyes Loki slowly shakes his head and creeps closer, makes Thor stagger back from
him with nervous steps. He just can't keep from being cruel now. As if his life depended on finally
throwing all guilt over onto Thors shoulders. As if this was the end of the world and one of them
had to die now. Or both of them. For once this was through there would be no they anymore,
would there? They would be gone. And the end of two together always means one leaves and one
stays left behind. Loki doesn't know if he'd survive being the one who's left behind. Fate might
want this for him. But fate can go fuck itself. Loki just needs to turn things around one last time. So nothing can stop him now from fighting for dear life. His best weapon has always been the
cold.
"You couldn't touch her unless you touched me." You craved for me. Tell me that you ended up
needing me more than her. Tell me what we did was all your fault and not mine.
"What? No-", Thor bumps against a wall, watching his brother stand and stare and judge him.
Test him.
"Just admit it, Thor." And if all times must end, tell me you wanted me.
"NO!", the Thunderer booms, helpless tears spilling like angry rain from his eyes, "that's
something ELSE, Sif is SOMETHING ELSE! It's not that way! You don't understand! SIF
WON'T BE SIF ANYMORE, SIF IS LIKE A PART OF THE THRONE!"
Ashamed Thor stares to the ground and wipes his tears away, bites into his knuckles with a whine.
And Loki, as if an unexpected blow just hit him without mercy, suddenly senses something crack
inside of him to be forever broken ... as he understands. A moment he fears to white out, his lungs
explode in hurt although he doesn't even breathe. He doesn't breathe. He simply understands that
he's been really nothing more than a distraction all along. That all Thors attention has always
secretly just circled round his future, round his throne and his queen, all these things destined to
him ever since, and around the question if he'd be strong and wise and good enough to prove
himself worth them. Them. And not Loki. Not the distraction from the really important things. Not
the game only played to prepare for life. Of course not. Of course.
Why does it even hurt? It's just too simple.
His voice is tender as silk, cutting like razors as Loki finds the strength to speak: "Ah … I see.
Now I see it all", and this is when his silver tongue, without his conscious will, just starts to
perform its masterful duty, "THIS is the point, brother, YOU are confused. Not I. Confused and
afraid. And you should be, you absolutely should! For what if you fail mounting the throne? You
don't want to be responsible for worlds, don't you? There'll be so many things cutting off your
freedom! So many chances to become a disappointment to the ones believing in you. And, Nine,
what if you fail mounting HER? You're right, Thor. Sif won't be Sif anymore once you're king.
She'll be QUEEN. And could you really please a queen? What do you think? Could you?"
Thor flinches so pitifully at these words. Loki closes his eyes, takes a deep, slow breath.
"You turned to me. For bare comfort first, and then to nurse your confidence. You couldn't fail at
me, could you? Yes. That's what you thought", he pauses, feeling dizzy in his own words sound.
But he cannot stop them. He cannot stop the shards of ice slitting everything apart. Oh, there are
tears running down his cheeks in finest lines. It's just that he doesn't feel them. They're too cold.
And Loki's cold.
"But now look at you, Thor. And look at me; you failed", a pause steals into this unreal madness,
and it's filled by nothing but the huffs of breathings absence. Thor doesn't dare say anything. He
doesn't have the strength to keep his brother from ending it.
"I will be honest“?", Loki says, perfectly aware of the fact that he uses Thors own words against
him, "And I'm doing this because I love you, brother: You'll never be able to rule. You'll always
be too childish, feckless, sissy to be worth the throne. You'll lead your lands to ruins like you
ruined me. Everyone will turn their backs on you … and I will be the first."
Yes. It's better this way. It's wrong, but it's better this way. Loki should have helped his brother now that he finally really faces his fears, should have
encouraged and ensured him that he'll just be growing into his responsibilities and doing fine. That
the throne, like Sif, has always been a part of his life and thus nothing to be scared of. He should
have smiled and told him that Sif, queen or not, will always be just Sif. And that he, king or not,
could always be just Thor. But Loki doesn't want to be the one who's left behind. Replaced by a
throne and a queen and a kingdom. No, he can't be thrown away and blamed for all their little sins
like this. Thor mustn't have a bright and glorious future to look ahead to released and purified. Not
in their final moment of departure. Not now. Loki wouldn't survive it.
It's better this way.
When he disappears like smoke in the wind Thor lets out a heartbroken sob. Stumbling towards
where his brothers figure has been standing only moments ago his shaking hands reach out to get
hold of what is already gone. Choking on tears he sinks to his knees.
"Brother", Thor whines. But cruel, cruel Loki offers no reply.