Friends Without Benefits

Heartbeat

I skimmed the email as I ducked into my car. The email had been sent by his parents (or at least one of them). Phrases jumped out at me.

"The position you put our son in "and "choices" and "what does this mean for his future and yours?" Several more words were thrown out: "successful career", "hard work" and the almost clichéd "all down the drain". Had I been in a better mood I probably would've laughed.

I drove back to the college campus in some state of angst. Wasn't this a teenage thing? I was well past my teenage years and into my 20s, the teenage angst hadn't really been my thing. Rebellion had never really been on my checklist of teenage milestones.

I returned to school and just enough time for my afternoon classes. I had just enough time to grab a sandwich from the cafeteria while beating it to my first class, shoving it in my face as I went. Coffee and food weren't allowed in the classrooms so I had to move it, even barely a month pregnant this was not as easy as it had been, it was as if my body was like "geez, slow down already!"

However, the other side of my brain had an apt response.

Not today, pal. Not if Lana wants to pass her midterms.

I made it to the classroom just as I managed to finish chewing my last bite. Just as I sat down I let out an abnormally large burp, which drew several looks from the people around me, a few guys sniggered, and at this point none of them knew I was pregnant.

"Thank you, Lana for joining us." My professor said mildly though he commented on nothing else.

So for the moment I shoved the email from Reese's parents to the back of my mind. I hoped it stayed there.

I didn't look at the email from Reese's parents until several days later. Clearly they were both very upset at the turn of events and I didn't really blame them. At this point I had no answers for them. I couldn't explain the argument and what had transpired between Reese and I because that would be telling too much of what I didn't want to say... At least not yet. Reese and I were adults so we were entitled to our own confidences and there were things that we kept just between the two of us, things our parents didn't even know about.

At this point "sorry" wasn't going to cut it. As my ultrasound approached I wished Reese and I were still talking I would've loved to keep him in the loop or have him drive down for the ultrasound if he had time, but I knew that wasn't going to happen-at least not at this point.

My days had fallen into a predictable routine, bouts of morning sickness on and off every few hours, school, filling out job applications and wondering if anybody would even bother calling me back. I had applied to both of the coffee shops within driving distance of my apartment as well as school bookstore. I had an interview the lady that ran the bookstore next week and had yet to hear back from the coffee shops, I only hoped it would be soon.

In the meantime there was my ultrasound which came up sooner than I had expected. At least I didn't have to race back to school afterwards and had managed to get the appointment after my last afternoon class.

Thank God I didn't have night classes this semester.

Today I was in a different part of the office, and a different waiting room waiting for the ultrasound technician to call me back. My wait seemed longer this time but there were more women in the waiting room today and many of them further along that I was.

Finally I was called back.

The technician was in her 30s or 40s with short dark brown hair and glasses that slid down her nose. She looked very intelligent.

Well good for her, I thought, I didn't feel like the brightest crayon in the box today.

I knew what to expect having seen ultrasounds on TV, but it was so much different when it was happening to you and you weren't just observing.

"The father joining us today?" She asked casually.

"No." I replied flatly, "He's in Indiana right now."

"Working?" The tech asked in a conversational tone.

"School." I replied.

"Oh." The technician didn't elaborate but rather went about her business of putting gel on my stomach (it was cold) and pressing buttons on the ultrasound machine.

After a few minutes a grainy image appeared on the screen. It was like looking into a small cave with a tiny fluttering something in the middle, tiny arms and legs waving, like a  small alien.

"There we are. There's your baby, Lana." She pressed a few more buttons. "Looking good for about 13 weeks. At this point I see no obvious problems, baby looks good. Do you want to hear the heartbeat?"

I nodded.

The technician flipped on a speaker and pressed another button then a unique sound. a "whosh, wub, wub" filled the room. It was at that moment I wished Reese was there to experience the moment with me.