loneliness

loneliness [1]

lone·ly

/ˈlōnlē/

adjective - sad because one has no friends or company.

synonyms: isolated, alone, lonesome, friendless, with no one to turn to, forsaken, abandoned, rejected, unloved, unwanted, outcast

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Skyler

Do you ever get the feeling that you have no one to turn to, no one who understands you?  No one who cares about you?  The overwhelming feeling that no one will ever love you?

I've felt that way since I was six.

At first it wasn't a loneliness in a romantic sense.  It was the sense of not belonging, of being an outcast.  Sure, I had friends and a family that cared about me but something just didn't feel right.  The older I got the more I'd have to fake a smile or force a laugh.  Once I hit my teens though it grew stronger, transforming into an intricate feeling of loneliness.  Not the average loneliness everyone feels at one point or another but this overwhelming feeling of emptiness and dread.

Dread that I'd be alone forever.

I started withdrawing from my friends and family and became distant, resigning myself to the fact that I would be lonely forever.

Now at seventeen and a senior in high school the feeling still pulses inside me.  Some days I'll be fine, sometimes I can go for days without feeling the loneliness.  But then suddenly it would attack me like a rabid animal, tearing me to pieces.  Sometimes I'll be alone when it happens, other times I could be in the middle of a presentation.  Then I would mumble something about feeling sick and rush out, my whole body trembling.

Because it is a sickness, the kind that pulses and rushes inside you.  The kind of sickness that eats you from the inside out and makes you weak.  Unable to fight it.

Now here I am.  It's one-seventeen in the morning.  I'm in a fair with all the swirling lights and flashing signs.  I had came here with my family, hoping to push my feelings down and escape the loneliness for just four hours when it happened.

We were walking around, the four of us- my mom, dad, and baby sister- when I looked down and noticed my shaking hands.  Panic began to fill me and I had an overwhelming sense that this time it was going to be worse than it was before.

I quickly excused myself, saying I had to go to the bathroom and quickly ran away, my father yelling worriedly after me.

So here I am at one-seventeen in the morning and standing in the shadow watching people walk cheerfully by, not knowing that one person among them was about to go through what could possibly be the worst experience of her life.

The feeling was starting to claw it's way through me, tearing every bit of strength and happiness I might of had away from me.  There are no words to explain the sensation of loneliness.  The closest I could ever get to it is by saying imagine feeling lonely but a million times more serve.

My eyes wildly scanned the gravel path searching for an escape.  The feeling clawed at me and I knew that this could be it.

I saw through my blurring vision people laughing, pointing at the stars, couples holding hands, kissing, touching, carrying children in their arms...

The sight made the feeling stronger.  No, I thought desperately as it consumed me.  No, please no.

Suddenly a boy stumbled into the alleyway I was in.  His hair was messed up, he had a forming black eye, and I could faintly see his hands shaking.  He stumbled vaguely in my direction, not realizing that I was here.